Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

brand new mantra

God, if I could get my wish, I want to be your will for me on earth.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Props to Mr. Dee, My Favorite English Teacher

Man, I just had a miniature epiphany listening to this. As I just kept listening to this song, reeling with the cumulative hits, feeling the full force of what wordplay is CAPABLE OF. THIS MAN:



...one Mohandas Dewese, nom de guerre: Kool Moe Dee, taught me more about the proper use of the English language than any other teacher, artist, writer, speaker or critic, living or dead.

Especially where "proper use" involves bragging about one's mastery of said language! Which, it's possible we need to make some allowances, there. Cultural, historical allowances. I mean, in Victorian times, for instance, it would not have been acceptable for Dickens to come out so bold, juking and strutting and lionizing himself in his own prose, warning the sucker novelists to get off his tip. Probably he might have caught my inner mother tongue's ear to a much greater degree, had he been allowed to "cut loose."

Doodeloo #88: The Golden Reassurance FROG

Friday, December 16, 2011

Minifesto

The most important thing in art criticism is to be really arrogant in one's beliefs about art, because one has a healthy sense of how silly, pompous and idiotic the art theory approach to art is. Art criticism, done well, is taking fun in the straight-faced knowing pose that art theory is serious.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Quote of At Some Point

"Procrastination is the realization that no matter how much is to be done in the future, the present can be prolonged indefinitely."

ANYBODY GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT CROWDED HOUSE CAN EAT A DICK! THESE GUYS RULE!!

Exhibit Z to the Nth degree if you please.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tough Topics #26: Punching Babies

We here at Consider Your Ass Kicked! have never shied away from the tough topics in this, our Tough Topics series. We've covered all sorts of tough topics, from The Vietnam War to who knows what else - including war itself, from a no-particular-war standpoint (warfare in general), to sexual nudity, or even the "terror war" on terrorism as it is called. Then we've hit issues that have nothing to do with war, from something as hip, timely and divisive as this "Occupy" b.s., to broo-ha's that are now irrelevant, dated and obsolete - but can still teach us a quaint lesson or two such as Communism.

We've covered a veritable cornucopia of controversies, a whole gamut of talking points that some cowards, maybe, would deride as "moot" - but points which we've nevertheless somehow or other managed to hit HEAD ON, dealing a crushing defeat to such would-be wholesale hemmers of haw! Gay Marriage. Butt Sex. Intelligent Design. Evolution. As you can see, a lot of time I cover two sides of the same issue! Prenuptual Agreements.

Smoking. Hard Drugs. Biblical Fundamentalism. Superstition. Sending Jobs Overseas - which used to be a HUGE issue in some parts, for a while! Pedophilia. Eww. The list goes on and on, as do many of the posts themselves. Prayers In School. It seems I never run out of shit to say on topics others don't even want to go NEAR, much less talk about with guts, smarts, heart and soul and a little thing I like to call "openness-of-mind." Because no matter what set premise I start a post with going in, I'm always open to the possibility of being persuaded by sufficiently compelling reason. Sometimes I start with one idea in mind, and by the time I come to the end of the post, I've got a whole new perspective on things. You have to be able to do that, or else what's the point in even bringing it up? Why - just to hear yourself spout off?

Screw that, pal.

But today we come to perhaps the most abhorrent issue we've tackled yet: punching babies. It's abhorrent. I saw the cutest baby the other day, and suddenly I realized, what if somebody punched this baby? This thing was adorable! Sleeping angelically slung in one of those front-carrier baby-cradling backpack deals (front-pack technically I guess) like a sweet little papoose! Some guy had the baby, the baby was his. He looked so happy - I was shocked at the idea that this idyllic scene could be disrupted, this poor new little being's fragility could be exploited by some inhumanly cold baby-punching son of a bitch. Well I say, ZERO TOLERANCE for baby-punching. I say throw the baby-punchers away and lock up the key! These bastards deserve life in prison without the possibility of parole, at least.

See, here we see an example of a Tough Topic that - as heart-rending, abhorrent and horrific as it is - is not all too terribly complex. Some tough topics are SO tough that they become a pretty simple issue, in the final analysis. Yet even with something as clear-cuttedly abhorrent as baby-punching, still if you think a little further down the line, some complexities do creep in. Take my supposed solution: zero tolerance, life without the possibility of parole. Sounds fine at first. But what happens in the event that Science conquers aging? What do we do with our prisons, now filling up with immortal baby-punchers?

But that's a point that will bedevil you no matter what the issue is. There are no issues so simple that they don't become a little more troubling, once you bring Science into it. Science is the universal complexicator. I say let's cross that bridge when we get there.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Overplanning: HOW TO.

A lot of people don't understand how to maximize their leisure time. It's because they're stupid, but I'll take pity on you. Here's how you do it right. Overplanning. Whether it's a weekend free, or a full-on two-week vacation - simply expand or contract proportionally, based on how many 2-day increments you've got waiting to fill up with itinerary!

TAKE:

For any given 2 day period.

Plan for 3 days' worth of activities.

Only get around to 1 of them.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

You Know What I Go For? Plain Girls.

Plain girls. I love them. If I had to single out one type and say "That's my type?" I'd say: plain girls.

It's just something about them. It's not a superficial thing! I'm not basing it just on looks, although of course, that is a big part of it. Attraction in human beings is powerfully tied to sensory cues, and the visual is a big part of that equation! Especially for dudes, and some say the reason for this goes as deep as the male brain. But whatever the cause, man or woman we all have certain things that just make us sit up and take notice. That catch our eye, and it's not an issue that's a problem. It's just what attracts you. It's just down to what makes your switch light up! For me, that's a girl who is just PLAIN. Just plain plain.

Body type, hair color or whatever specifics - it's not such a big deal to me, she can be a little on the big side or a little on the little side, or she can have a hair color that a lot of people might call "nondescript" - these details don't matter. I just want to see that smile of hers, lighting up that plain face when our eyes meet, and one of us is walking into a room where the other one happens to be.

Plain girls, they don't base so much of their self-esteem in these surface issues. What if a girl is extremely good looking, suddenly she has mental problems surrounding that. Maybe she gets anxiety where her looks are concerned, concerned they are starting to fade - and that means she bases too much ego on skin-deep! Or they could be hereditary. Either way - watch out! Or girls that are very ugly - they can have self-esteem issues, too. In some cases a lot of people keep lying to them, to "spare their feelings." You think that doesn't put a big hit to your self-esteem? Being lied to all the time? People telling you how ugly you're not? When the truth is bad, a lie can be just as damaging.

But one thing, though: if you, too, want to embrace the plain girl mystique - you'd better be sincere with that. Don't be all, "Hey-y-y...I bet if I just get her to take her glasses off and take that ponytail down, shake out her hair in the sun in a lingering slow-motion closeup - she will be suddenly BAM! HOT!"

Don't even fucking ask her to do that. How many guys have seen that movie, and tried to put it into practice? She's sick of the attempts. She's sick of the disappointment in your eyes, when you - who had posed as a plain girl lover, but now have revealed yourself as clearly in the grip of an objectionably-speculative hot girl fetish - when you see that magical transformation fail to take place, and your face falls - what does that do to her? Just don't. Be honest, instead. Don't be messing around her mind like that. Love her for who she is: PLAIN.

Don't be messing with my plain girls. I may have to slap you up.

Friday, December 02, 2011