Listen: everybody knows that the word "Love" can mean so much. Most people would agree that it can also mean a lot. But unfortunately, it doesn't always mean the same thing. Now, most of us are aware of all that, and we're quite capable of sussing out the differences between the finer shades of meaning when someone we know tells us that they love us. But it isn't so easy to tell all of the time...and for some people, it isn't so easy to tell at all. It was in my mind that some sort of standardization, in the form of a handy reference tool, could work wonders in helping our true emotions bridge the barrier that language poses.
To that end, I offer the following Universal Love Index and Reference Tool. When someone says "I Love You", you will find that generally, it means one of the following things:
1. Your life and happiness is more important to me than my own life and happiness.
2. You are unique and special in a way that I can't get enough of.
3. You are good for me, you make me happier about myself.
4. Your presence in my life is enjoyable and I wish to prolong it.
5. I want to have sex with you.
6. I just did have sex with you.
7. I consider you an ideal mate for breeding purposes.
8. I wish to marry you for reasons related to immigration status or financial concerns.
9. I wish to marry you for unspecified reasons.
10. I wish to string you along using the general idea of a permanent/committed relationship.
11. I want you to forgive me for a transgression against you, which you have just discovered or are about to discover.
12. I want you to help work through and figure out my emotional state for me.
I feel strongly that if the above classifications were adopted across the board, it would greatly aid clarity among lovers of all intents and purposes. Consider the ramifications:
before adoption of the ULIRT:
She: "I love you."
He: [ blank look ]
after adoption of the ULIRT:
She: "I love you."
He: [ blank look ] "Do you mean senses 2, 5, and 7?"
She: [ blank look ] "No, senses 5, 9, and 12."
He: [ look of enlightenment ] "Well hey, then!"
In the above example, the second speaker failed to think past sense 5. But with use and familiarity, the Index is bound to become almost second nature!
As additional legitimate senses are suggested for inclusion and approved by the usage panel, the Index can be updated and revised so that future users will always be able to make some sense of Love.
USAGE PANEL NOTES
Please note that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" was deliberately omitted from the list. A majority of the usage panel rejects this sense as unacceptable, and suggests "I think you're a dork, but I'm not in love with you" as a more suitable substitute.
Also, 40% of the usage panel consider that for sense 7, "an ideal mate" should be understood to mean, "an acceptable mate." 45% of the usage panel consider that in sense 4, "Your presence in my life is enjoyable and I wish to prolong it," the word "enjoyable" may be understood to mean "enjoyable, advantageous or convenient."
A significant minority of the usage panel recommends that senses 5 and 6 be expanded upon in the following manner:
5. I want to have sex with you, and believe that telling you 'I love you' will help.
6. I just did have sex with you, and believe that telling you 'I love you' is the decent thing to do in these situations.
These recommendations failed to win majority support among the usage panel, being considered by a majority of the panel to be "needlessly cynical."
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