Why do we need The Marines? I'm not asking why we need the fighting brave men and women who are members of that aforesaid organization. That question is dumb. I'm asking why we need a "The Marines" at all. Why couldn't the fighting brave men and women of The Marines do their brave fighting as members of an organization whose reason and purpose can be explained? What exactly is it that The Marines do, that couldn't just as well be done by a more badass or a slightly, beneficially deranged subsection of the Army?
I mean, look. Most of the U.S. Uniformed Services divisions make perfect sense. These dudes fight on land. These dudes fight on boats. These dudes fight on airplanes. These dudes...what? "These dudes have historically been carried on boats to fight on land"? I mean, who the hell cares how you got there? The Army takes a boat ride when they have to. They don't sit there thinking, "we really should call ourselves something else now, because of this...marine portion of our journey..."
Yes, yes, I recognize that I'm being all too terribly ignorant of the many important historical distinctions and traditions involved, but for Christ's sake. Join the Pope's Swiss Guard or something. Are you proud warriors, with a commensurate interest in streamlining and efficiency, or are you some kind of Battle Frat with a too-precious backstory and a fetish for perpetuating meaningless distinctions?
Alright, that was just a little bit of joshing there, for all the fine men and women out there way out in the wild blue yonder, being all they can be, as few and as proud as ever. Wearing that uniform smartly! Whenever I speak English, my heart thanks the troops.
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