Fitness Made Brilliant

Move over, Clay Aiken! John Basedow is my new gay icon.

Wait, not "gay"! Neither one of these men is gay, necessarily. Nor would I say it. I just meant gay in the sense that a cape might be gay, for instance.

John Basedow did it right. He came up with a whole new category for himself, and then he became the first one: he is Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. I think that if you come up with a snappy title like that for yourself, all you have to do is start calling yourself that, and suddenly, you are one. Who could say otherwise? There's no Fitness Celebrities Guild.

I'm going to follow in John Basedow's chiseled footsteps. But I need to do it my own way. So if I can pull this off, you'll be looking at a new creation: Joe Valdemos*, Fitness Luminary.

I am sick of my body being the way it is, and so I am embarking on my self-designed, self-tested, self-vaunted Crash Fitness Regimen. It's a radical new program that incorporates a traditional foundation of cardio-aerobic motion theory into a solid core of retro calisthenics, with a dash of Eastern Mysticism. I call it, "The Crash Fitness Regimen." It's a simple program, yet I won't divulge its secrets to anyone. Not until they are perfected! Indeed, until they are made perfect - unto the person of myself! Incarnate!

I am trying to loft up the verbiage a bit here, as might befit a Fitness Luminary. I mean, "Fitness Luminary" is pretty lofty-sounding. Sounds like Nobel Prize material! Got to live up to that.

I'll let you know once the results are in, and they will astound you.

*note that this new fake last name replaces the previously-announced fake name of "Joe Sevigny," due to various points pointed out.