With One Magic Word...

With one magic word...the world's snottiest little newsboy Billy Batson is transformed into CAPTAIN MARVEL!!! The World's Mightiest Mortal!

S, for Solomon! Wisdom of!
H, for Hercules! Strength of!
A, for Achilles! Courage of!
Z, for Zeus! Power of!
A again, this time for Atlas! Stamina of!
M, for Mercury! Speed of!

SHAZAM!!!!!!

Captain Marvel is just so much cooler than Superman. And I don't just mean that he could beat him in a fight (although, "duh!").

Admittedly, Superman would be tons more useful to have around. He's got all these extra optional powers rounding out the standard strong-fast-bulletproof-"hey I can fly too!" package. X-Ray vision. Heat vision. Telescopic vision. Microscopic vision. Arthroscopic vision, fix knees at a glance. Super-hearing, Super-taste, Super-smell, Super-smarts (although he never comes off too bright in comparison to say, Batman, he is supposed to have an incredibly powerfully super-smart brain. Maybe Batman just has smarter writers).

Then you have those crazy super-breath powers of his...he can, oh my God, suck all the poison gas out of a room and into his lungs - leaving behind fresh, breathable atmosphere for Lois and Jimmy! That's one highly selective suck! And his lungs have some pretty sophisticated temperature controls too, because even though he doesn't walk around all the time with icy steam coming out of his mouth...at need, as necessary, when the situation calls for it, he can expel gales of hurricane-force super-chilled air! How cold? So cold! Cold enough to freeze entire lakes solid in seconds, just by blowing across the surface! So that he can pick up the frozen lake, and go plug a volcano or something.

So yeah, if I had to choose the superhero to have around for multi-purpose emergencies, Superman takes the cake.

But Captain Marvel is just so much cooler. Just with his outfit, for starters. Bright red, with gold boots, belt-sash and vambraces! And a bold golden bolt of lightning emblazoned, nay, em-...uh...no, emblazoned is good. Otherwise, what, "festooned"? Emblazoned across his chest! What a bold symbol. Then there's that gay little white cape of his, with the gold trim - so clearly intended as a mocking jape at Supe's ridiculous expanse of crimson. As if to say, "Hey, cape-boy! Who are we trying to kid here?" All that and plus, he looks just like Fred MacMurray (if Fred MacMurray was a pro linebacker).

He's got the winning grin, the aw-shucks humility, and the more realistic hair. Honestly, what kind of mousse is Superman using? Who could keep that perfect little forehead curl in place whipping around at Mach 210 all the time?

That's why I say, make mine Marvel! Captain Marvel. Some call him "Shazam" but no. That's just his magic word.

You know, I always thought it would be funny if one time, he mispronounced his magic word and it got all mixed up somehow - so that Captain Marvel ended up with the Stamina of Solomon, the Strength of Achilles, the Power of Mercury, the Courage of Zeus, the Speed of Atlas, and the Wisdom of Hercules. SAMZAH!! Those last three alone would be a death sentence in any dangerous situation. Albeit, a highly-entertaining death sentence.

Not that I'm saying Solomon was some kind of slouch in the Stamina department. I'm sure he got no complaints. I mean, the dude had one hundred wives. Although that might tend to cast some doubt on the whole Wisdom claim, but let's leave that. I do have to ask, though, what's a biblical Jew doing hanging out with all these false gods? Technically, I guess that would be "Two Gods, a Demigod, a Titan, a Hero, and a Biblical Jew." Sounds almost like some weird band name.

Or the start of a very erudite joke, if you tag it with "walk into a bar."