There are times in my life I count myself lucky. And I am lucky. I should be very grateful for the life I have. Most people consider me a nice person, a together guy, someone cheerful, someone fun to be around. And I should be thankful for that. I am thankful.
But I'm left with these nagging doubts. I wonder if I'll ever love anyone again, the way I love those last six ex-girlfriends. Why I broke up with some of those, I have no idea. Beautiful, beautiful people. None of them deserved that. None of them deserved to end up with me. With me crying, with her crying. And there were so many cool things, there should be so many great memories! And there are; there are some great memories...but the great memories aren't the ones that come. The ones that come are the ones that blindside me out of nowhere. That still cause me to flinch, involuntarily. Why did I treat her that way? Why her? No, not her. The other one. Her. Yeah: why? I have no idea.
She didn't deserve it.
I think at the time, the overwhelming sense came over me that I was no good for her, that I was doing her a disservice in some way, with my very self. I was doing her a general disservice just by being there. Taking up her life.
Pretty cowardly stuff. Pretty sad excuse. And yet...it was true, wasn't it? I did end up no good for her. And she's happier now. She is. She really is! That should console, shouldn't it? Some things turn out for the good in this world! So I was right, wasn't I? I did the right thing by her! She's happy. She would not have been. Not with me.
The way I said that above: "I wonder if I'll ever love anyone again the way I...?" The way I said that, it makes it sound like I don't love my sweetie who I am with now, whom I love. The way I said it makes it sound like I don't love her, or I love her in some other way, I love her in some way less. That isn't true. I love her. I love her that same way. Is there more than one way to be in love with someone?
I say that when you really love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own. I believe that! No. It isn't a matter of belief: it's simply true. When I love someone, her happiness is more important to me than my own.
But I have nagging doubts. Sometimes I wonder if I love the wrong way.
How do you love?
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