These were all posted on an old message board years ago where a bunch of us were coming up with them, but I have a feeling the whole board may be taken down soon, so! For Posterity:
(Note that many of these don't make any sense to me now, and may have been alluding to conversations then-current on the board. Many are based on obvious puns that have surely been used before for Swifties. Others are just plain unapologetically bad. Sorry!)
AHEM. For Posterity:
"But I don't want to play Biff. I wanted to play Biff's brother!" Tom said unhappily.
"I'm gonna treat you like Persephone!" Tom said rapaciously.
"What do you say I divide my estate between my three daughters right now?" Tom leered.
"Our top army brass are idiots...I could do a better job," Tom generalized.
"I'm sorry Claire, but I've been sleeping with Jeanine," Tom declared.
"Take a look at these entrails," Tom said ominously.
"My assignment is late because my computer crashed." Tom reasoned.
"I'm sick of these marital tiffs!" Tom spat.
"But I wasn't ready to throw!" Tom balked.
"So you ate all the Fruzen Gladje..." Tom said icily.
"What a perfectly-made, three-pronged ninja weapon," Tom sighed.
"I said, Peter and I are getting back together!" she repeated.
"I'm not on anyone's side anymore!" Tom decided.
"I have no idea who was Pope in 1203 A.D." Tom said innocently.
"Just a minute! I'm putting on my trousers," Tom panted.
"Oh man, they made my Reuben with whole wheat bread!" Tom said wryly.
"I sure do miss the conifers," Tom pined.
"They just smell nicer than deciduous trees." Tom opined.
"Shhhh! I've almost finished filing through this wrought-iron latticework!" Tom rasped gratingly.
"This place is on fire, and I'm fanning the flames!" Tom bellowed.
"If you guys don't stop, I'll have to stop you myself" Tom said haltingly.
"This game hen is really overcooked," Tom groused.
"Wanna make a quick $20?" Tom said solicitously.
"I have an autographed pair of Michael Jordan's sneakers!" Tom said airily.
"The murderer is one of the people in this room," Tom said mysteriously.
"It's only something in my eye!" Tom cried.
"We don't know for sure yet, but I bet it's going to be a boy," Tom predicted.
"What a purdy mouth on that pig!" Tom squealed.
"Let's split it right down the middle," Tom said evenly.
"I am one drunk honkey!" Tom slurred.
"I can read Gulliver's Travels in 20 minutes," Tom said swiftly.
"I'm going to steal your milkshakes!" Tom grimaced evilly.
"Check out the hot chick on trumpet," Tom said hornily.
"I did her in the can," Tom said candidly.
"I've got some large balls, made of a copper/zinc alloy." Tom said brassily.
"I will not be cowed!" Tom lowed.
"I was never here," Tom said absently.
"They won't keep me locked in here forever," Tom said cagily.
"The score's still zero to zero in tonight's strip lingerie soccer match," Tom said naughtily.
"I wish I was a man," Tom's girlfriend said beguilingly.
"Hold down that key before you click," said Tom shiftily.
"That Titanic villian sure is handsome," Tom said zanily.
"Oooh, BarraCUda!!" Tom sang heartily.
"Does this thong make me look fat?" Tom said cheekily.
"And after that, pour me a Guinness in 3 seconds flat!" Blue said headily.
"I wish I had a real motorcycle," Tom moped.
"I left Grandmother behind." Tom said ungrammatically.
"You'll notice I made that last shot with my left hand," Tom said off-handedly.
"Wow, that fellow has been getting some sun," Tom said tangentially.
"Alright, Joe - who died and made you King?" Tom asked jokingly.
"Drat! I missed the hole by inches," Tom said off-puttingly.
"One of our night watchmen has been killed." Tom said unguardedly.
"I hope things get better by this afternoon," Tom said mournfully.
"I can feel it in my testes," Tom said manfully.
"Yes, I know bestiality is illegal" Tom said sheepishly.
"You can't just kill an endangered marine mammal for its blubber!" Tom wailed.
"How on earth can you slaughter that innocent whale!" Tom blubbered.
"You think I'm too fat!" Tom blubbered.
"Show me first your penny," Tom said warily.
"I deliberately left the Bambino off my list of all-time greatest hitters," Tom said ruthlessly.
"How can you not pity us, Lee?" Tom asked piteously.
"Fe Fo Fum!" Tom said defiantly.
"I thought this night would last forever!" Tom mourned.
"Your regime is at an end, darling." Tom cooed.
"Run this jackass out of town!" Tom railed.
"Can't you just see that we know God exists because the Bible tells us so?" Tom begged, questioningly.
"Once more!" Tom said, with feeling.
"I can't tell if this means hello or bye-bye," Tom wavered.
"Okay, fine...go exhume the corpse." Tom said disinterestedly.
"Here's your sample!" Tom said spunkily.
"I have two pet rodents of the genus Microtus," Tom divulged.
"Your resignation is overdue, Ed" Tom expostulated.
"I'll shave when I'm good and ready!" Tom bristled.
"I hate what you've done to your hair," Tom said cuttingly.
"I can't believe it! Out of glue again!" Tom sniffed.
"So I'll be sleeping in the spare room while I'm visiting with you?" Tom guessed.
"Your gown is transparent!" Tom peeped.
"Let the engine run while the battery charges up," Tom said idly.
"Connery was the second-best Bond," Tom said piercingly.
"I wish I fully understood the rules to this British card game," Tom said whistfully.
"I'll knock you over the cliff," Tom bluffed.
"I don't much care for the taste of this pie," Tom said humbly.
"There is no pain...You are receding..." Tom comforted, numbly.
"That's it. It's all over," Tom croaked.
"Oi! My twinkie is spilling its filling!" Tom ejaculated.
"I'm not going to let you serve time for this," Tom said unstintingly.
"Grace, your microphone skills are wiggity wack" Tom said disgracefully.
"Ed, get in here!" Tom commanded.
"I'm not going to stop now," Tom continued.
"Is that a bear out there?" Tom said, intently.
"Shrinp," Tom said inpossibly.
"No more of these tiffs!" Tom spat.
"I can shorten your skirt and plow that side of the field at the same time," Tom hemmed and hawed.
"Listen youse, maybe I'm supposed to be joining your little familia here, but I ain't gonna kill nobody," Tom made no bones about it.
"My, how you've gotten three inches taller!" Tom groaned.
"I am no longer a minister," Tom said irreverently.
"The 'chanter' is the part you blow on," Tom piped up.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a crow, or any similar bird!" Tom said ravenously.
"Oh yeah? Well you can just suck your own snakebite wound, then!" Tom spat venomously.
"Curses! Foiled again!" Tom said snidely.
"Well, it's coming up on Easter soon, and I've decided to start observing Catholic rituals again," Tom relented.
"This is the third time I've mailed you this check," Tom said resentfully.
"I'm giving up my mining rights in Prospectors Gulch," Tom declaimed.
"Well I thought the walking trees were the stupidest part of the movie," Tom dissented.
"Yep, that guy's a dog alright!" Tom concurred.
"I'm about to lose consciousness," Tom said faintly.
"I wonder what it would be like to be a cow," Tom ruminated.
"Mark!" Tom exclaimed.
"Boy! Put these two in the cauldron and agitate them in a circular manner with this wooden spoon," the witch said boisterously.
"I'm afraid there were some errors in my recent manifesto," Tom retracted.
"I never met the Science Guy," Tom denied.
"She took her top off!" Tom tittered.
"Observe how I can hold the note, even while inhaling," Tom intoned.
"I got this ant farm from NASA. It used to be on the International Space Station," Tom said exorbitantly.
"I wonder if it was a mistake to put this small body of water here," Tom pondered.
"Shut up, Ed!" Tom interrupted.
"I'm the richest gal in the kingdom," Jen said meatily.
"Ick! That man is eyeing me," said Lee maniacally.
"So Greg, can you guess who's my favorite old-school heretic?" Tom asked gregariously.
"I wrote this fan letter to the actor who played Ben Cartwright, but he died before I could send it," Tom said forlornly.
"This wharf was intended for loading and unloading cargo from ships, but it's nowhere near high enough!" Tom said loquaciously.
"Execute him!" Tom said summarily.
"Okay...I'm going to give you a deal here" Tom said, cuttingly.
"Global population is out of control!" Tom exploded.
"I even can't remember who coached the Cowboys in 1999," Tom said gaily.
"But I don't want to be seated in a booth!" Tom countered.
"The edit window appears to have been suspended," Tom...edited...windowly.
"That's all I have to say about the minimall." Tom said minimally.
"That concert was so loud I have tinnitus!" Tom declared in ringing tones.
"I've decided to start plying my trade again," Tom replied.
"I sure do love Tom Swifties!" Tom said narcissistically.
"Tom Swifties do not exist," Tom said self-abnegatingly.
(Note that many of these don't make any sense to me now, and may have been alluding to conversations then-current on the board. Many are based on obvious puns that have surely been used before for Swifties. Others are just plain unapologetically bad. Sorry!)
AHEM. For Posterity:
"But I don't want to play Biff. I wanted to play Biff's brother!" Tom said unhappily.
"I'm gonna treat you like Persephone!" Tom said rapaciously.
"What do you say I divide my estate between my three daughters right now?" Tom leered.
"Our top army brass are idiots...I could do a better job," Tom generalized.
"I'm sorry Claire, but I've been sleeping with Jeanine," Tom declared.
"Take a look at these entrails," Tom said ominously.
"My assignment is late because my computer crashed." Tom reasoned.
"I'm sick of these marital tiffs!" Tom spat.
"But I wasn't ready to throw!" Tom balked.
"So you ate all the Fruzen Gladje..." Tom said icily.
"What a perfectly-made, three-pronged ninja weapon," Tom sighed.
"I said, Peter and I are getting back together!" she repeated.
"I'm not on anyone's side anymore!" Tom decided.
"I have no idea who was Pope in 1203 A.D." Tom said innocently.
"Just a minute! I'm putting on my trousers," Tom panted.
"Oh man, they made my Reuben with whole wheat bread!" Tom said wryly.
"I sure do miss the conifers," Tom pined.
"They just smell nicer than deciduous trees." Tom opined.
"Shhhh! I've almost finished filing through this wrought-iron latticework!" Tom rasped gratingly.
"This place is on fire, and I'm fanning the flames!" Tom bellowed.
"If you guys don't stop, I'll have to stop you myself" Tom said haltingly.
"This game hen is really overcooked," Tom groused.
"Wanna make a quick $20?" Tom said solicitously.
"I have an autographed pair of Michael Jordan's sneakers!" Tom said airily.
"The murderer is one of the people in this room," Tom said mysteriously.
"It's only something in my eye!" Tom cried.
"We don't know for sure yet, but I bet it's going to be a boy," Tom predicted.
"What a purdy mouth on that pig!" Tom squealed.
"Let's split it right down the middle," Tom said evenly.
"I am one drunk honkey!" Tom slurred.
"I can read Gulliver's Travels in 20 minutes," Tom said swiftly.
"I'm going to steal your milkshakes!" Tom grimaced evilly.
"Check out the hot chick on trumpet," Tom said hornily.
"I did her in the can," Tom said candidly.
"I've got some large balls, made of a copper/zinc alloy." Tom said brassily.
"I will not be cowed!" Tom lowed.
"I was never here," Tom said absently.
"They won't keep me locked in here forever," Tom said cagily.
"The score's still zero to zero in tonight's strip lingerie soccer match," Tom said naughtily.
"I wish I was a man," Tom's girlfriend said beguilingly.
"Hold down that key before you click," said Tom shiftily.
"That Titanic villian sure is handsome," Tom said zanily.
"Oooh, BarraCUda!!" Tom sang heartily.
"Does this thong make me look fat?" Tom said cheekily.
"And after that, pour me a Guinness in 3 seconds flat!" Blue said headily.
"I wish I had a real motorcycle," Tom moped.
"I left Grandmother behind." Tom said ungrammatically.
"You'll notice I made that last shot with my left hand," Tom said off-handedly.
"Wow, that fellow has been getting some sun," Tom said tangentially.
"Alright, Joe - who died and made you King?" Tom asked jokingly.
"Drat! I missed the hole by inches," Tom said off-puttingly.
"One of our night watchmen has been killed." Tom said unguardedly.
"I hope things get better by this afternoon," Tom said mournfully.
"I can feel it in my testes," Tom said manfully.
"Yes, I know bestiality is illegal" Tom said sheepishly.
"You can't just kill an endangered marine mammal for its blubber!" Tom wailed.
"How on earth can you slaughter that innocent whale!" Tom blubbered.
"You think I'm too fat!" Tom blubbered.
"Show me first your penny," Tom said warily.
"I deliberately left the Bambino off my list of all-time greatest hitters," Tom said ruthlessly.
"How can you not pity us, Lee?" Tom asked piteously.
"Fe Fo Fum!" Tom said defiantly.
"I thought this night would last forever!" Tom mourned.
"Your regime is at an end, darling." Tom cooed.
"Run this jackass out of town!" Tom railed.
"Can't you just see that we know God exists because the Bible tells us so?" Tom begged, questioningly.
"Once more!" Tom said, with feeling.
"I can't tell if this means hello or bye-bye," Tom wavered.
"Okay, fine...go exhume the corpse." Tom said disinterestedly.
"Here's your sample!" Tom said spunkily.
"I have two pet rodents of the genus Microtus," Tom divulged.
"Your resignation is overdue, Ed" Tom expostulated.
"I'll shave when I'm good and ready!" Tom bristled.
"I hate what you've done to your hair," Tom said cuttingly.
"I can't believe it! Out of glue again!" Tom sniffed.
"So I'll be sleeping in the spare room while I'm visiting with you?" Tom guessed.
"Your gown is transparent!" Tom peeped.
"Let the engine run while the battery charges up," Tom said idly.
"Connery was the second-best Bond," Tom said piercingly.
"I wish I fully understood the rules to this British card game," Tom said whistfully.
"I'll knock you over the cliff," Tom bluffed.
"I don't much care for the taste of this pie," Tom said humbly.
"There is no pain...You are receding..." Tom comforted, numbly.
"That's it. It's all over," Tom croaked.
"Oi! My twinkie is spilling its filling!" Tom ejaculated.
"I'm not going to let you serve time for this," Tom said unstintingly.
"Grace, your microphone skills are wiggity wack" Tom said disgracefully.
"Ed, get in here!" Tom commanded.
"I'm not going to stop now," Tom continued.
"Is that a bear out there?" Tom said, intently.
"Shrinp," Tom said inpossibly.
"No more of these tiffs!" Tom spat.
"I can shorten your skirt and plow that side of the field at the same time," Tom hemmed and hawed.
"Listen youse, maybe I'm supposed to be joining your little familia here, but I ain't gonna kill nobody," Tom made no bones about it.
"My, how you've gotten three inches taller!" Tom groaned.
"I am no longer a minister," Tom said irreverently.
"The 'chanter' is the part you blow on," Tom piped up.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a crow, or any similar bird!" Tom said ravenously.
"Oh yeah? Well you can just suck your own snakebite wound, then!" Tom spat venomously.
"Curses! Foiled again!" Tom said snidely.
"Well, it's coming up on Easter soon, and I've decided to start observing Catholic rituals again," Tom relented.
"This is the third time I've mailed you this check," Tom said resentfully.
"I'm giving up my mining rights in Prospectors Gulch," Tom declaimed.
"Well I thought the walking trees were the stupidest part of the movie," Tom dissented.
"Yep, that guy's a dog alright!" Tom concurred.
"I'm about to lose consciousness," Tom said faintly.
"I wonder what it would be like to be a cow," Tom ruminated.
"Mark!" Tom exclaimed.
"Boy! Put these two in the cauldron and agitate them in a circular manner with this wooden spoon," the witch said boisterously.
"I'm afraid there were some errors in my recent manifesto," Tom retracted.
"I never met the Science Guy," Tom denied.
"She took her top off!" Tom tittered.
"Observe how I can hold the note, even while inhaling," Tom intoned.
"I got this ant farm from NASA. It used to be on the International Space Station," Tom said exorbitantly.
"I wonder if it was a mistake to put this small body of water here," Tom pondered.
"Shut up, Ed!" Tom interrupted.
"I'm the richest gal in the kingdom," Jen said meatily.
"Ick! That man is eyeing me," said Lee maniacally.
"So Greg, can you guess who's my favorite old-school heretic?" Tom asked gregariously.
"I wrote this fan letter to the actor who played Ben Cartwright, but he died before I could send it," Tom said forlornly.
"This wharf was intended for loading and unloading cargo from ships, but it's nowhere near high enough!" Tom said loquaciously.
"Execute him!" Tom said summarily.
"Okay...I'm going to give you a deal here" Tom said, cuttingly.
"Global population is out of control!" Tom exploded.
"I even can't remember who coached the Cowboys in 1999," Tom said gaily.
"But I don't want to be seated in a booth!" Tom countered.
"The edit window appears to have been suspended," Tom...edited...windowly.
"That's all I have to say about the minimall." Tom said minimally.
"That concert was so loud I have tinnitus!" Tom declared in ringing tones.
"I've decided to start plying my trade again," Tom replied.
"I sure do love Tom Swifties!" Tom said narcissistically.
"Tom Swifties do not exist," Tom said self-abnegatingly.
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