Perfect Deviled Eggs, Every Time

I don't fucking know how I do it. There's no consistency to my method! Sometimes I use that extra special mustard from that little jam shop we go to up the coast. Sometimes we're out of that mustard and I use French's Classic Yellow. Sometimes I fuck up one of the egg "cups" and end up putting it into the bowl with the yolks to mash into filling. Other times it's an all-yolk whites-free filling mix. The amount of salt and pepper I put in the mix is random and variable.

Sometimes I don't even use paprika, like, if I can't find any. Some people say, "paprika adds no flavor" - and it's true, it isn't the most pungent of spices, but if they say it adds no flavor...when it comes to deviled eggs, they're just awesomely wrong. ALWAYS add paprika. In fact, when I said before that sometimes I didn't, I revoke that. That was just an example. I'm sure that I did, every single time. Otherwise, the end result could not possibly have been perfect!

And it's ALWAYS perfect. Every damn time. I don't know how I do it!

A fool might be tempted to observe that "maybe it just isn't all that hard to make deviled eggs." But you weren't listening, fool! I said these deviled eggs were perfect. Let's have one of yours! I'll bet they're not bad. I bet they're respectable. But I also bet they're not perfect.

EVERY TIME.

And if they are, well. Kudos to you too then, dude. You deserve it. How do we do it? I mean, how do we? It's pretty uncanny, speaking for my own self. Maybe you've got a recipe or something, you use as a crutch.

Sometimes I add a tweak of balsamic vinegar in there. You know what a good trick is? Any time you're going to go out to dinner that evening, and you don't want to spoil your appetite, but you feel like you can't hold out until the appointed time...just fix yourself some deviled eggs. Put 'em on a little paper plate and walk around with a drink! You'll feel like you're at a party while you wait. Then when it's finally time to go, you're not only ready to eat, you've already had a pretty classy appetizer.

You're ahead of the game.