Hey, Viruses: Is That The Best You Got?

Viruses SUCK. Viruses are PATHETIC. What does a virus do? It gets inside your computer and seizes control of the e-machinery, twisting the mechanism to suit its own twisted ends, and then it does...what? What does it do with that purloined might, how does it capitalize on that ill-gotten abuse of another person's computing power? It raids your contacts and sends everybody a spam about prescription drugs?

WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Who the hell is that going to fool, or even inconvenience? It'll just be, "yo, bud, I think you got a virus." "Oh, sorry! Thanks for the tipoff. I'll get it cleaned out."

How totally weak - you're going to tell me the best you can come up with is to spam people, or self-propagate, or wipe my hard drive? Big whup, it's not like any of that is going to actually get me in any hot water.

How about some REAL viruses, how about some viruses that could actually make life difficult for some people?

How about:

* a virus that blind cc's your boss on all your outgoing personal e-mails?

* a virus that scans through all your Word documents and deletes all instances of the space bar?

* a virus that, as your e-mail passes through your 'Outbox' in the moment after you hit 'Send', scans through your message text and randomly re-arranges the order of all prepositions contained therein? Yielding results such as: "a virus that, through your e-mail passes of your 'Outbox' therein the moment in you hit 'Send', scans your message and randomly re-arranges the order after all prepositions contained as?"

* a virus that scans the message text of outgoing messages and inserts one additional word ("fucking") before any mildly negative adjective such as "unexpected," "unfortunate," "disappointing," "troublesome," "problematic" or the ever-popular "regrettable"? Note: the virus would only drop one f-bomb per e-mail. Otherwise: tipoff city.

* a virus that goes through all the names in your contacts with a spell-checker and changes the "Display As" name to the best spell-check suggestion? I tried this with the names in mine and landed such winners as Ms. Moses Karate, Ms. Abounded Lover, Mr. Eros Ingrate, and Mr. Febrile Validations!

* a virus that uploads your amateur love poetry (credited to you, of course) and posts it prominently captioning various features on a hard-porn site?

* a virus that goes into your 'Drafts' folder and sends them all out? VOOP! Not necessarily to the intended recipient, either! Maybe use a "cc shuffle" function: each draft goes to the addressee, plus a random cc'ee from your Contacts. 50% random chance to bcc the boss as well.

I mean, as you can see, there are an awful lot of unexplored avenues here being neglected. It's pretty pathetic what passes for e-malevolence.