Godproofing Our Schools

dogimo: Hello, everyone. Here we are again with another edition of Special Guest Shot. I'd like to welcome to the program special guest Rico Koebeson from C & S Separation Contractors & Consulting.

Rico Koebeson: Thank you, dogimo. Pleased as punch to be here.

dogimo: Could you tell us a little bit about what you do...? Because I for one find it fascinating.

Rico Koebeson: Well, as we all know, the separation of church and state is a core idea that goes back to the founding days. Yet for almost 200 years we pretty much left it as just an idea. Nothing was really done about it.

dogimo: I noticed that.

Rico Koebeson: Well all of that's changed now, what with all your school shootings and zero tolerance and what have you. There's a greater scrutiny involved, and the consensus says: "Get God Out!"

dogimo: Out of public schools, you mean.

Rico Koebeson: Exactly. Well - we're only doing schools right now, but we do hope to expand our operations to other public buildings and facilities. Our track record of success speaks for itself.

dogimo: Go on about that. This is where it gets interesting! Could you give us a little background about the problem, and your methods to combat it?

Rico Koebeson: Indeed it does get interesting! It's an exciting field to be in, frankly. The problem is simple. God is everywhere, right? How do you keep God out of schools, given the fact that God permeates every building and location on the planet? Some speculate that this quandary is what lay at the root of the long lag in enforcement of church/state separation, and I buy that line. Because up until recently, there was very little you could do about God in our schools - from a practical standpoint.

dogimo: Which is where you come in.

Rico Koebeson: Well, me, and of course the scientific minds who have made what I do possible. I'd like to just mention Dr. Destuartes at U of Alaska who is a particular mentor to me. He and I worked out some of the applications and I tested them myself, so I'm pretty proud of that. The science of Godproofing is in its infancy, but already we've made great strides.

dogimo: How does it work? How do you do it?

Rico Koebeson: Well, there are trade secrets involved of course, but I can give you the layman's version. Dr. Destuartes had his hands full taking all different materials - from the common, to the exotic, even materials that were purported to have mythological or superstitious significance! - and testing them to see which were most effective at repelling God. It was a long process of trial and error, but eventually he hit upon a composite mesh of nylon, fiber-optic wire, aluminum foil, and a few things I can't tell you about.

dogimo: Intriguing! So you just...throw it over the school or what?

Rico Koebeson: No, first we get into the walls of the school, and we install the composite mesh so that it becomes interwoven with all the outer walls of the structure. Then we run a low-voltage current through it, which actuates the God-repelling field. You actually have to use a special generator, because the current has to be at a very specific frequency in order for it to work.

dogimo: What if the generator fails?

Rico Koebeson: Thought of it! If the generator fails, it automatically trips the fire alarm and all the kids run outside to safety before God really has a chance to seep back in.

dogimo: But God's outside too, right?

Rico Koebeson: Well, yeah, but nobody cares if God's outside. We just don't want God in the schools. Certainly not while our kids are in there.

dogimo: What about the associated grounds, the football field, et cetera?

Rico Koebeson: Nobody's talking about keeping God out of football. That couldn't be done, everyone knows God takes a keen interest in football. I mean, I see what you're saying, but really all people are worried about is keeping God out of the school itself, where the children are learning their science lessons.

dogimo: So if the coach wants to, say, motivate the team by making some metaphor about intelligent design...

Rico Koebeson: You know, I'd really not rather get into that. I Godproof the school building, that's my area of concern.

dogimo: Fair enough. How do you know it works?

Rico Koebeson: Inside the building, we have God detectors installed.

dogimo: So if one goes off...?

Rico Koebeson: They never do.

dogimo: Sounds like a pretty foolproof system! Thanks for coming on to tell us about it.

Rico Koebeson: A pleasure. Thanks for having me.