Fortune Cookies These Days Suck

I don't like these fortune cookies you get these days that are basically compliment cookies. I don't need to be told, "People admire you for your integrity," or "You are smart and energetic, and have beautiful eyes." I don't need that from a cookie! I can get that on the street from anybody, or by looking in a mirror! What I want from my fortune cookie is a g.d. fortune, g.d. it!

Anyway, I was thinking somebody needs to give the fortune cookie industry a good goose right in the keyster, and who better than me right? I was thinking I might start a big fortune cookie conglomerate with actual fortunes in there on the little paper strip. Stuff like:

• “Your death will be happy, but extremely unexpected”
• “Your stony façade will turn to mud and grass in the coming storm”
• “Someone whom you would never suspect is about to surprise you”
• “Your life’s work is heading in a new and unexpected direction”
• “Your lost keys will find their way into the very wrong hands”
• “Keep looking over your shoulder pal, because one of these days, I’m going to be there”

Okay, maybe not those specific ones, but you get the idea: predictions! Good, bad or ambiguous - especially ambiguous. What good is a compliment from a strip of paper? Whereas, when it comes to a prediction, from a fortune cookie...well hell, we can all suspend disbelief for a second and drift away on the fizzy tide of an enjoyable bit of mild superstition. Can't we?