With Kind Regards,

What is this "Kind regards" business? It seems to have crept into wide use as a signoff, as a business signoff on an e-mail or a letter. But what the hell are people trying to saying here, about their regards? Isn't it all a bit self-congratulatory? "Ah, how kind are my regards, see how I favor you with only the kindest regards!" Really? Okay. I'll take your word for it, I guess.

But maybe they're kidding you, though - see, with "Sincerely," at least you know they're not kidding you about the nature of their regards!

"Sincere best regards," I can live with. At least you're not patting yourself on the back over how "kind" your regards are. You're just saying, "hey, these regards are the best I could come up with. Really."

If we can give "Kind regards," what's stopping us there? Seems like so many adjectives can step right in, once you've opened the door to paying yourself compliments on your own damn regards, that you see fit to dole out so magnanimously. Why not, "Gracious regards,"? "Benevolent regards," sounds pretty good. Much classier than "Kind"! "Munificent regards," maybe - or for that extra special touch of class: "Regal regards,"..."Exalted regards,". Once you've crossed that line, why settle for regards that are merely kind?

If on the other hand, let's say you're feeling a little superior to the recipient. Maybe your regards are so kind that you're really doing the other person a favor by even replying to their e-mail. You may want to convey that, in a suitably classy and subtle fashion: "Merciful regards," "Charitable regards,". Perfect! The recipient will be impressed by how merciful and charitable your graciously bestowed regards are. They will say, "ah, he or she didn't have to favor me with such charitable, merciful regards. A lot of people just settle for kindness!"

Another approach would be to send a message by taking it in the opposite direction: "Cruel regards,". "Grudging regards,". "Malicious regards,". "Seething regards"! Now that will get their attention! That's got some fire to it! And while we're talking fire, if you're really feeling the love towards your correspondent - "kind" is so tame. Why not express your regards with a little more umph - "Passionate regards," or "Ever-lovin' regards," perhaps?

Once you get the hang of it, you may want to try extolling the formal or artistic qualities of your regards with a gushing 2-word critique:

"Poetic regards,"

"Divine regards,"

"Transcendent regards,"

Or you might go the Movie Critic blurb route:

"Thrilling regards,"

"Spectacular regards,"

"Terrifying regards,"

There's nothing really stopping you at that point. You can characterize your regards however you like.

I mean, just how kind are your regards? You might want to think about it.

Sincerely!