God Explained In The Simplest Way: According to the Inerrant and Unchanging Mysteries of Scripture

God is One God. There is only one God. All of the other gods are bad. God will punish the other gods for not existing. God will punish them by giving them a small "g". It is a big insult for any god, to have that small "g"!

God is angry at sin and hates sinners. God will consume you with a side dish of fire if you sin, he will rip out your name from the Book of Life leaving any notable quotes you may have left behind to be forever designated as "anonymous." Therefore whenever you see a really cool or interesting quote designated as "anonymous," don't be too curious over who it really was who said that. Because they are in hell now.

God is One God, and there are Three of Him: Pops, Junior, and Ghost Bird. This 3-in-1 mystery can be easily explained if one remembers the phrase, "six of one, half a dozen of the other." So it is with God: "Three of One, a quarter of a dozen of the other." Some things are too easy to understand.

Pops created all of it, and then put us here to say thanks. It would behoove us to do that little thing. It's not that much to ask. We could easily have been put in a much worse place, such as (oh, for example) an endless lake of fire, wherein we would wail and gnash our teeth for eternity.

Junior is what we call God's Word made Flesh. Imagine if one of your words were made Flesh! Therefore, speak carefully.

Ghost Bird is looked at by some as a side-kick, but not so. God is God! - and that means Ghost Bird every bit as much as Junior and Pops. When people say God moves in mysterious ways, they generally are talking about Ghost Bird. We're not always sure exactly what He is doing, but we all like to think that when we feel that little flutter of inspiration or uplift inside our hearts - that's Ghost Bird.

God is merciful at sin and loves sinners; God wants to forgive them. This is why God sent Junior, and why God has Ghost Bird fluttering around - to guide sinners back to His happy house upstairs, where God has a great big chair that nobody sits in but Him. If you believe in God, and you love Junior, and you have Ghost Bird in your heart, then maybe when you die you will get to sit down on the infinite Spanish tile floor next to God's great big chair. I would lean my head against the arm rest. It would be big and fat.*

I bet the upholstery is soothing and cool!

Comments

Noroi said…
"There is only one God. All of the other gods are bad."
These two statements (in such close proximity, no less!) are in conflict.

Thing is - the first one is right - thus the second is invalid. That's the problem, really. With the whole world. If they could see the one without the other there would be less war!

It's not that other 'gods' are bad - there is only one. Regardless of the name. So where is the conflict? It doesn't matter how many names you use or how you say 'You are awesome! Thanks for everything!' - it's all the same!
dogimo said…
Thank you for your comment, Momo! Yes, those two statements are in conflict - and the next, "God will punish the other gods for not existing," is ludicrous!

There are many conflicts in this post. I was trying - perhaps failing - to satirize the different conflicting or simply confusing viewpoints that many of us hold about (or possibly, against) God.

God, of course, is not defined by the viewpoints a human puts on God - biased and prejudiced as we are, so prone to drag God into our bigotry and call it God's.

If I have to guess I'd say the last paragraph is dead-on, and the 2nd paragraph is dead. But I will have to leave that up to God. I expect it'll make more sense later than it does now.