Not Necessarily the MMPI

Ok - y'all know the MMPI? There's tons of other people blogged about it. It's a psych profile test they give to job applicants for public service gigs (police and so forth). It consists of a giddy series of seemingly serious questions, some mind-bogglingly mundane, others so bizarre as to possibly inflict the mental damage that they purport to test for. There are hundreds of these questions, and they just keep marching on and on until the test-taker's mind goes numb and they all start to seem almost normal. THAT'S when the real data can be collected! They need to access that defenseless mind.

But back to the questions: they're awesome! Check out some of these. These are real, from the actual test:

"Everything tastes the same."

"At one or more times in my life I felt that someone was making me do things by hypnotizing me."

"The top of my head sometimes feels tender."

"Powerful forces are aligning against me."

"I believe my sins are unpardonable."

"I have very few fears compared to my friends."

I'd hate to meet his friends!

Note that I persistently and wrongly call them "questions." They are of course actually statements, to which the testee can strongly agree, somewhat agree, somewhat disagree or strongly disagree. But they're worded so weirdly, it throws you:

"Once in a while I laugh about a dirty joke."

Shouldn't it be "laugh at"? This sounds like you're sitting there alone, recalling a dirty joke somebody once told you and laughing about it. Okay, a quibble perhaps, but what to make of these:

"I loved my mother."

What if I still do?

"My people treat me more like a child than a grown-up."

My who? What am I, from Ork?

"At times I feel that I can make up my mind with unusually great ease."

I bet plenty of people agonize over that one.

"When I leave home I do not worry about whether the door is locked and the windows closed."

Okay, let's choose: do I want to look like a weird, incompetent obsessive, or a moron who leaves doors flapping open? None of the options really gets across "I don't worry, because I know damn well I locked up."

"If I were a reporter I would very much like to report sporting news."

Do I have to call it "sporting news"? Do I have to work for The Sporting News? I'm more an SI guy.

"Once a week or oftener I become very excited."

Yup. Just like clockwork!

"I have had very peculiar and strange experiences."

No. None! NEVER!!

"If people had not had it in for me I would have been much more successful."

Strongly disagree. I'd still be a failure!

"Peculiar odors come to me at times."

OK. Try flipping some of these around to see what they really mean: "The world never, ever smells funny to me." Any takers?

"I have strange and peculiar thoughts."

NO ONE ACTIVELY TAKING THE TEST can deny that one. Those thoughts are being forced upon you!

"I wish I were not bothered by thoughts about sex."

If I agree, does that mean that I have thoughts about sex, I'm bothered by them, and I wish I wasn't, or what? If I disagree, does that mean that I have thoughts of sex but I'm not bothered by them? or that I have no thoughts about sex? Or maybe I just love being bothered by them?

Such poorly-structured questions can't possibly yield a meaningful interpretation, but they work great to get the test-taker off-balance! After about a hundred of these, you begin to second-guess even the relatively innocuous or straightforward ones:

"I liked Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll."

Just what are you saying? Wait - is this a trick question? Was it T.S. Elliott?

"I do not often notice my ears ringing or buzzing. "

Wait...do they not buzz often, or am I just not noticing often?

"I drink an unusually large amount of water every day."

If I did it every day, wouldn't that make it a usually large amount?

"Someone has control over my mind."

Surely someone does! I do! But if I "agree strongly," what are they going to assume?

The effect of the outright bizarre and the just kind of "off" builds and builds, until innocent remarks like these seem fraught with unspoken admissions of guilt and mental illness:

"There never was a time in my life when I liked to play with dolls."

"At times I am all full of energy."

"I gossip a little at times."

"My hands have not become clumsy or awkward."

"I enjoy children."

It's such a great test. I would love to have a job coming up with questions for it. I bet very few people could tell the difference between mine and theirs.