We here at Consider Your Ass Kicked! are pleased and proud to offer "Ask The Scientificus" as a recurring feature. The Scientificus is an oblong puppet of indeterminate species, well-known for answering (with aplomb) a wide range of expert-level scientific questions from children of all ages.
Q. [Cyndia, age 44] Did angels evolve?
A. Cyndia, first of all, thank you for the very nice photographs. Now, on to your question - a controversial one, and one you are quite right to ask! I think we have but to glance at an angel to see that yes, these beings clearly evolved. The highly-specialized winglike dorsal appendages arrayed bilaterally; the novel bioluminescent organs within the scalp that, combined with a unique bone configuration of the skull, cast the distinctive aura around the head of an angel - these structures and organs are highly adaptive. They clearly did not spring into place full-formed, as if by miracle! Rather, they resulted from a link-by-link chain of mutation, followed by selection, followed again by mutation and so on. Properly understood, the angel stands revealed as one of the crowning glories of evolution by means of natural selection!
Q. [Jonathan, age 30] I found some condoms in my glove compartment. Are they still good?
A. They look OK from the photographs. Try a banana.
Q. [Stephanie, age 22] I've been holding in a lot of farts lately because I have a new boyfriend, and now my shit is starting to smell like farts! What can I do?
A. How long have you been seeing this young man? There are two schools of thought, my dear Stephanie. One says that the early days of a relationship are a golden and special time, and that you should preserve that for as long as you can, because once you've become so comfortable with the full range of each others' natural bodily processes that each of you no longer hesitates to let rip with a good one, right in each other's presence, any time the urge presses - then that golden time is over forevermore; the magic is lost. The other school of thought maintains that that's when the magic begins. Being The Scientificus, I must say posh-bosh to all this talk of magic, and counsel you not to sacrifice your alimentary health and comfort upon the altar of some noisome victorian prudery. Thank you for the photographs.
The Scientificus answers questions on all scientific disciplines except for alethiology. When submitting your question it is considered polite to include photographs of yourself. Not every question can be answered, but every photo will definitely be looked at. The Scientificus thanks you!
2 comments:
The Scientificus doesn't answer questions posted in comments, he has his own separate mailbag. He's pretty idiosyncratic about how he chooses his questions and goes about his business. We're lucky to have him, really!
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