Does God Spam?

So, I’m reading through this e-mail I received today, and I’m thinking to myself “Does God really want me to forward this e-mail to 8 other people, including the one who originally sent it to me? Would doing so really mean I have 'succeeded in praying for eight people today'? Would doing so really constitute ‘standing up for Jesus’?”

I feel as though I am being "guilted," here. Does God go in for the guilt-based coercion? I mean, obviously I know that the Jewish God and the Christian God are one-and-the-same, but I just don’t see God as needing to resort to that at this point.

"Be one of the 7% who will stand up for Jesus!! 93% WILL NOT FORWARD THIS E-MAIL ON!!!"

Well, Good Lord and hallelujah! 93% will not forward it on! I will have to side with the moral (or rather, morally and intellectually scrupulous) majority on that one.

It wouldn't be so bad if the e-mail itself were not so paltry. It wouldn't be so bad if it deserved to be forwarded, just based on its own merits. Just based on what it had to say about life and God. But this crock of flat platitudes, cracked anecdotes, butt-smacked cutesy acronyms and theological points ranging from plain dumb to plain wrong only reflects poorly on A) the persons who've sent it, B) the person(s) who composed it, C) believers in general, and possibly even D) God, since it was after all God who created all the above.

However, I'm going to take a bold step here. Just like I don't hold God responsible for the many, many failings of those who believe, I am not going to hold God responsible for this e-mail. For its paucity of inspiration, for its mawkishness, for its transparent attempts at clumsy spiritual blackmail, I blame only the humans complicit in its creation and dissemination. I put it down to the combination of their free will and their sad lack of discernment. I absolutely do not blame God for e-mails like this. God may be a jealous God, but God is not so needy and clingy that we must appease the Divine Insecurity Complex by filling in-boxes the world over with soft-headed mumbledy mush.

If only there were so much as a gleam of inspiration anywhere in the e-mail! If only there were anything in it worth forwarding on! Just a bare wisp of genuine uplift, just a soft hint of genuine solace, a glimmer of true insight...in short, if there were even a scrap of redeeming value. Anything. Jesus died on the cross for us, people. The apostle Paul filled all of Christendom with epistles to guide us. And…this is your best effort?

Hey, I'm not saying that any of us can meet or beat that standard. But come on. If you give it your best effort and the result is this all-ass extravaganza...then please, you needn't feel obligated to bless the rest of us with it.

If you yearn to write life-affirming, inspirational spiritual e-mails but you can't tell whether or not you suck at it, here's a test: is questioning the strength of their belief – essentially, insulting and impugning their faith – the only way you can get people to forward your e-mail? If so, then that's your answer. You have no gift. Do Not Hit Send. E-mails that actually deserve to be forwarded will not resort to coercion. Just take a deep breath, and realize that you are under no compunction to dip your quill in the e-epistle well. You cannot help the cause that way.

Strewing lukewarm bilge across the internet is part of no one’s Christian calling.

E-mails like this one I received today are, frankly, an embarrassment to Christianity itself. And not just an embarrassment! E-mails like this offer direct aid to Satan's efforts by essentially, defaming Christianity and undermining its appeal to potential converts. E-mails like this harden peoples' hearts against Jesus.

No, really. They do. Consider the impact!

E-mails like this give a false idea of what faith is and what faith entails. They advertise Christians as weak-minded, unimaginative drones who will forward on an e-mail we know to be tasteless and utterly lacking in inspiration (divine or otherwise), just because someone is laying it on thick that if we really believe, our duty as believers must be to propagate someone else’s e-crap. No matter how manifestly non-inspired it is. No matter that a moron could tell that a moron wrote it! We must forward it on, in order to show our true beliefyness. To show faithfulness, we must demonstrate mindlessness.

That is an utterly false representation of faith - borderline blasphemous if you ask me, but let's just split the difference and call it implied libel. And every time someone forwards that e-mail on again, that warped perception of what belief means – of who believers are – is confirmed as reality. Imagine the effect on a young person, maybe teetering on the brink of pursuing a spiritual path! E-mails like this actively repel non-believers.

Actually, we all know that e-mails like this actively repel most believers as well - hence the need for the strongarm guilt tactics!

Why do we do it? Why do we forward it on? Clearly such e-mails do not even attempt evangelism! In place of any effort to spread the good news, there is only a nervous, chummy insularity - the blatant assumption that the recipient is already on board, and furthermore now needs to make a show of it. Rally round the e-mail prayer chain! Let's slap each other faintly on the back for a while, and feel better about ourselves because those heathen don't care. And the message comes through clear enough: we don't care about those heathen, either.

They can rot in hell, for all we care - right? The smug presumption of the blessed 7%, who stand up for Jesus by making the mighty sacrifice of a few key-clicks.

Why do we forward that on. Why do we perpetuate such substanceless, faithless, empty gestures of rah-rah Christianity? Because we don't want to feel bad about not whiting our sepulchres to the liking of others? Because it’s easier to go along with someone else’s mediocre chain letter than it is to express our own love of God in our own unique God-given voices? Here’s an idea – when you get one of these, instead of hitting 'Forward', why not compose your own brand-new original, heartfelt, inspired message for today only - and send that on to 8 people? Including the original sender! Maybe even include a few riskier recipients, the state of whose souls you don't flatter yourself you already know?

Be sure to tell all of them not to forward it on.