War On Environment Nears End, Say Scientists

WASHINGTON - An upbeat tone reigned over the annual Environmental Sciences Conference at the Institute Against Matter And Energy in Washington D.C. this past week. As is usual at any such meeting of the scientific minds, disagreements thrived and opinions ranged far and wide. But all assembled seemed agreed on one key point: the environment is no match for science.

"I expect that within no more than ten years' time, we will have perfected our 'artificial forest' technology," said Dr. Lowell "Budge" Bubbage, keynote speaker and pioneer in the field. "Our facilities in Precipice Flats, Wyoming and Fort Mt. St. William, Nevada are already up and running in the test phase, converting tons of airborne carbon dioxide into pure oxygen and generating gigawatts of electric energy in the process! You have to see the acres and acres of vats of glistening green pseudochlorophyll, just sitting in the sun, doing their work for us!"

Critics have been quick to note that Bubbage's outstanding work raises no troubling questions whatsoever. "Anyone who questions the need for the rapid application of this technology is a quivering, spine-jellied Luddite," observed outspoken Bubbage critic Keanu Humphries. "Once Budge finishes tightening the bolts on this deal, we can basically take the rest of the rainforest and do whatever we want with it. Hell, pave it over! This new tech is like an artificial lung transplant for the planet."

Progress has been keen in other areas as well. "The epiphany was in realizing that humankind does in fact have a huge influence on the climate," noted noted historical science theoretician Jeddo Phepps. "At first, nobody wanted to believe that. Then nobody wanted to admit it. But once the public embraced the idea circa the mid-, late-90s, science was forced to take a look at it as well. And once the truth of it sank in, scientists were quick to jump to the obvious implications: if we can influence the climate, then we can control it! It's just a matter of understanding the mechanics. We need to fine-tune our avenues of influence, manipulating them for a desired result instead of an undesired one."

Abaerdascus McFey, Director to the Assistant of the World Sciences Coalition, put the scope of the advances in context: "It's a process in progress. Much still needs to be learned, but eventually we're looking at being able to seize full control of the weather and climate for the whole planet. It will be like the utopia envisioned by the 1980s television speculative-science drama series Buck Rogers In The 25th Century with Gil Gerard, only - one hopes - minus the evil mutants that prowl outside the protective dome!"

But the specter of the mutant problem raised by Dr. McFey did little to dim the optimism of the other researchers, engineers and scientists gathered in this bright conference hall on the outskirts of our nation's capitol. "Oh, McFey and those mutants of his!" scoffed Phepps. "He's always going on about the mutants. Nobody else is even worried about the mutants! Don't you worry about it - we're working on plenty of ways for dealing with the mutants. Just as one example, I understand Bubbage has drafted plans for quite an impressive dome."