Your input doesn't have to be anything needlessly detailed, or insightful. Maybe just some small observation such as "Dude. What the fuck." Or, "Perfect! You nailed it." Or, "The force and beauty of your sincerity here has ripped my heart clean out, in words so true that I wished and at first believed that they might have been written to me and for me alone." Or if such forthright observation isn't your style, you can give still valuable feedback via pointed questions, such as: "Dude. What the fuck?"
In the first installment of Check Me On Tone, I invite you to read over this missive I'm working up to send out, via blind cc, to a number of my ex-girlfriends. Striking the right tone on this one is going to be critical. I won't be sending it out for a couple months, so we have time to fine tune:
Check Me On Tone #1: "Dear Exes, Via Bcc"
If you are receiving this e-mail via blind cc, it is because you are one of my ex-girlfriends, and there are some things that I want to say to you that it is important I say today.
First, I want you to know I value the time we had together. The things I learned in my time with you made me a better person. I can't get any deeper into specifics without running into areas that don't apply to each and all of you receiving this, so I'll leave it at that.
Second, the way it ended was bullshit. Maybe that was my fault, maybe it was yours. Circumstances vary. But I want you to know that the things that you or I might have said at the very end - the hard things, the permanent things - for my part at least, I am willing to unconditionally revoke or forgive (as applicable) all those things that were said. I have become a bigger person since then in several respects, and if you were willing to overlook my newfound rotundity, I'd certainly be willing to overlook whatever bad blood was spilled in the heat of the aftermath. What I'm saying is: I'd be willing to give it another try. I don't mean literally now, for each of you - that's not how I roll. I'm a one-woman man. Besides, some of you receiving this are married, others in exclusive, committed relationships. For that matter, so am I! I'm just talking hypothetically, here. The bad part, for me, is no longer there. That's all I'm saying.
Third, I am over you. It is because I am well and truly over you that I want to reach out like this, redress some of the hurt, dress some of the wounds, and wipe off a clean slate. You need not worry that I'm pining over you, or making a play to win you back. In fact, I'd ask those of you who know who each other are, please do not forward this e-mail around amongst yourselves! Because one of you didn't receive it. And frankly, there are reasons for that - reasons I hope you'd respect.
With fond and enduring admiration,
Your ex-boyfriend,
Joe
P.S. Please note the send date. APRIL FOOL, SUCKAS!!!!!!!
So, that's what I've got so far. As I said, we've got a good two months leeway on this one. I'm a little worried about the last line - the postscript. Is that insulting, as if they couldn't see for themselves what day it was sent, and figure it out for themselves? These sorts of things are always more rewarding if it takes you a second, and THEN you're like, "awwwwww, I get it! April Fool. You can't fool me that easy." To make it too obvious like that, jump in with the reveal before they have the chance to nail it on their own, it's like declaring you can or did fool them. When in reality, probably they would have gotten it, had you not blown your own whistle so hard. I'm worried it borders on "Are you insulting my intelligence or what?" territory.
But you tell me! Please, by all means: Check Me On Tone.
6 comments:
Definitely add some stuff to make them compare themselves to each other.
Dude, what the fuck?
Kidding.
Funny stuff. I'd leave that whole thing about April Fools and the send date off at the end, but that's just me. Let them believe it. That would be a real April Fools and then if any of them try and contact you for another chance, you drop the 'send date' bomb on them. Too cruel? Perhaps. /grin
By the way, I love the part about not forwarding it around. It's designed perfectly to the 'busybody' nature of most females who couldn't resist forwarding it after such a request.
@Sarah P - I get what you're saying - just throw in a few details that seem tantalizingly like they might apply, but a little bit off so they think it's about one or the other of the others? Devious! But kind of mean for a fun April Fools joke? Well, maybe not "mean", maybe just "a more effective, funner joke".
@Jill - Now THAT's a heck of a kicker! Wait until someone bites, commits themselves to buying it as real, and THEN pull the rug out. It does seem like you'd still be covered under the April Fool exemption! I'm not sure if I have the brass. I think if I left it off the original, I'd have to send a two-word "postscript" followup by 11:59PM 4/1. Otherwise I'd feel like I've crossed the line into trying to be mean.
Anyway, I have to come clean here, any of the people who would get this would right off straightaway spot it for what it was. There wasn't sufficient animosity at any of the endings to make it ring potentially true. Plus, you know, they each know my sense of humor a bit!
I do have a thing about joking somebody though, I pretty much have to "let on" right away if I think there's any chance they got the wrong idea. I've ruined many a joke that way (and gotten a "DUH" in return for my clarification)!
Don't forget the rose petals.
I'm going to say at this point that I just don't understand this one. I understood it right up to it being April Fool's Day, and that's where you lost me. I don't really see anything jokey or prankstery here. A little humorous, sure, but apart from that, it sounds plainly sincere.
Well, it's probably not much of a joke, I was just typing along in "misguided sentiment" mode. I thought the idea of notifying ones ex-nears-and-dears of your tender sentiments of forgiveness etc via a blind cc mass-mailing was kind of funny.
And then I got to the end and thought, it's kind of flat. Needs a twist ending, maybe?
I'm not sure if the twist ending is a chicken-out back away from real sentiments expressed, or if the whole thing was (retroactively) a setup from the get-go.
See, that's where the Check Me On Tone comes in. But it's possible that it just doesn't get any better than it already is. We have to allow for that possibility.
Do you think it's better without the P.S.? To me it felt like it was waiting for something.
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