It's Cry Time!

I always hate when somebody says words to the effect of "it's okay to cry" or "don't be afraid to cry" or "it takes a real man to cry." What am I: a puss? I cry all the time! It ain't no thing to me, to cry! Like something like that could intimidate a dude like this.

I cry my ass off at the drop of the hat. It's not your show tears either - though I can do those too! I could have been an actor! Or more realistically, an actress, since in this sexist paradigm-touting movie industry in which we live today, that's not what you hire actors for. But no, these tears I cry are not for show, they're seated in the deep and wrenching emotions that I can summon forth at will. I'm like a world-class athlete with my emotions, it's like I'm in training - when I cry, it's like I'm doing reps. I get an endorphin rush. My emotions are so ripped I can go on a grueling marathon crying jag without breaking a sweat, which is good because that moisture is needed elsewhere. Sometimes I can cry for days and after that I'm still crying. I drink a special gatorade-like concoction of my own devising to replace the water and pound the electrolytes. No one can cry like me. I am in peak emotional condition.

Well, that's not entirely true. I'm in great emotional condition. Peak, for me, was back in '96. One time I walked into a Virgin Megastore, slapped on the headphones, and started crying to an Elton John tune. That's discipline. That's will.

It was "The One" - a good tune! Doesn't get a lot of play these days.