I don't normally post like this. I reserve the right to fill up my blog with all manner of frivolity of no consequence whatsoever. Unmeaning fluff. But when anybody asks me about something, "does this mean ________?" - I give a straight answer, the truth damn it - the truth or a straight "none of your business!" - if a question is out of bounds of something I want to discuss, I'll say so. I'm a pretty private individual but when you ask me to clear something up the answer I give isn't a lie. It's the truth or nothing.
Anyway, I've got a situation with a person I considered a friend, who was always respectful and insightful, who commented here and I commented on that person's blog. We exchanged e-mails, as I've done with some of you. In fact we were e-mailing a lot during a pretty hard time in my personal life, and it was a blessing and she provided a lot of insight and what I took to be compassion.
But a few months back, it turned so weird and awful. She informed me or "called me on it" that I was actually attempting to seduce her through my blog, that basically everything I wrote was some coded message to her. I set her as straight as it is possible to set somebody! It was not true at all, and I just couldn't even see what she was seeing. There was a big falling out and then she apologized and claimed she believed me that I wasn't trying to seduce her. Later she claimed I was just pretending when I said that. Called me a "player" - all sorts of things. She was also going through a pretty bad time, in her personal life. We even talked on the phone, I thought we had it all straightened out, she apologized (again), agreed it wasn't so, apologized for the mistake, I thought we could be friends. OK. Everybody wigs out sometimes. OK.
Then it happened again - and this time "everyone she asked" agrees with her that I'm a player who is attempting to seduce her and play games with her mind (specifically, her mind) through my blog, or that just the amount of time I spent e-mailing her trying to talk her down from the crazy-ledge was proof I was in bad earnest or something, had some ulterior motive.
OK. After several of this kind of apology-reversal-reaccusation cycles I realize that #1 me continuing to allow contact only feeds her delusion, and that #2, there's too much damage done anyhow. Because after all this, even the things she says between episodes, when she's acting comparatively normal, are really making me hypersensitive and creeped out, and just I can't be friends like this. So about a month ago I told her to please stop e-mailing me, don't call me, don't write me, don't contact me, I can't take the things she's telling me anymore. I asked, told, directed, eventually pleaded with her to please just leave me alone.
She refused. She has completely reverted to seeing me as hers, as me playing with her, as this being all a game between us. And when I tell her the truth - it's not true, to her, it's just another ploy. Nothing I say matters. Who I am doesn't matter, only her version of me - who would have to be some kind of pretty disgusting el creepo to treat a person so dishonestly!
That, to me, is the craziest part: why would anyone want the person she's accusing me of being?
It keeps coming, comments and e-mails and she won't stop, and the question I have and I wish and hope anyone would feel free to chime in is this:
Am I being stalked?
And: what can I do? I have diverted her e-mail accounts (3 so far) to a special folder so I don't see them, I have been deleting the comments submitted, I am doing my best to just...not respond. But it goes against my grain to not respond. In this day and age people get killed by people exhibiting this behavior.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like posting this is probably a bad move, based on what they tell you not to do - "feeding into" the person's need to get a reaction. I don't know what to do.
I have tried as plain and as hard as I can to set her straight on the truth. She doesn't respect me, she doesn't believe me, all that matters to her is what she says I am. I don't know what I can do to make it clear to her. What the hell am I supposed to do? Is there anything I can do?
WHY WOULD SHE WANT somebody who is what she SAYS I am!!???? The very idea of a relationship set up to operate on deception is REPUGNANT to me!
Any comment, any message of advice or support, any perspective people could provide would be so welcome. Or you can e-mail me if you want it not to show up in the comments thread.
8 comments:
This may be the wrong time to bring this up, but I thought every post was directed at me!
On a completely unrelated matter, will you please send me a lock of your hair?
I didn't want to be the first to post about it, but me, too. About the lock of hair, I mean. I don't even have to tell you the posts are directed at me, of course you know that already, my puppy!
And I don't just want half of the one you're sending to jorg wobblington lopez! I want my own whole lock. Don't short-shrift me, buddy!
Aw, thanks you two!
Honestly, sincerely, the very idea at the heart of the whole thing is super-complimentary! For anyone to tell me that the way I write feels to them like I'm addressing only and always them. That's an awesome thing to say!
But...for someone to then go on to say that they mean it is literally true, that what I say doesn't matter; for someone to tell me how I feel about them, and then basically call me a liar on it when I firmly tell them no, sorry, it's not like that - well that's NOT complimentary. It's pretty damn insulting actually. And then to keep mailing and commenting when I've made it plain that it's distressing and upsetting to me! This is zero respect, it's zero compassion, it's zero dignity. Who wants that? Not me!
But thank you both for taking a lighter tone, here. I desperately needed it. Thank you. From now on, everybody who tells me in the comments thread of this post that they think my every post is directed at them gets a nickname.
Jorg, you're puddin'!
Blue, you're cashew.
So, OK. Locks of hair. If I rinse it out real good, dry it and comb it out nice, can shower drain hair count as a lock?
I can give you each 2 week's worth. It's really falling out like gangbusters so, that should add up to a pretty good tassle for each of you!
EW!
Forget that! Send me a mixed tape or a sexy Tiger Beat picture for my locker. If you don't have one of yourself, I will take one of Andy Gibb, but only if he is wearing yellow pants.
At least my nickname is a favorite nut! Ah, just how I like to think of myself. :)
Want me to send over a couple of my boys to take care of the problem, Joe? Of course, my boys are all surrealists, so we'll have to make her an offer she can't understand.
Oh, and if you're handing out locks of hair, put me down for one. I will add it to my shrine.
Hm. I'm not sure if you qualify for the hair-lock since you didn't fulfill the nickname requirement.
But the fact that you have surrealist thugs at your beck and call does exert a certain pull with me. OK! One more lock of hair, coming up!
I'll give you Blue's, since she didn't want it. :-P
How might it feel to be so emotionally tied to these words? I bet it feels warm, and sometimes the warmness grows to such intensity that it feels cold, like when you're running a hot bath and stick your hand under to test the temperature.
Then there are those three or four moments a day of simple delight, a new post, and somehow the delight gets distorted, there's an imbalance, and equilibrium must be restored by any means necessary. It probably hurts.
Of course there's not much to do but cry if you can and talk about it if you can. A doctor will listen, but I'm not a doctor.
Good point, Sprout. That's one reason I don't bother talking to myself! I'm not a doctor.
Also, the problem with anyone you pay to listen is, conflict of interest. Or I'm a cynic perhaps? Surely I am - a good worker is worth their wage, whether their craft is to fix, to build, or to listen.
In my experience, equilibrium is far easier to keep than to restore.
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