Going to a cookout I forgot about. It's a good thing the guy called me! Said it was to move it back an hour, but I suspect he knew I forgot, and wanted to prompt me to attend. Being as I am, in the party as in all things, the life.
This guy's all class, a bit too much. He's going to have some kind of assortment of ass-kicking cold salads and sides, and these insane tender delicious ribs that he does all gourmet and shit. He's the master of that - this is the guy who accidentally boiled his feet that time making crab for the superbowl, and I had to drive him to the hospital. But that was a lapse, normally he's flawless in the kitchen.
But a bit too class, and a bit too flawless. Because at a cookout, what you really want is burgers and dogs! Or in my view at least, who needs either when they can have both? The perfect backyard cookout entree, the humble burg-dog: a beautiful hamburger bun hit with a sizzling patty slapped across it, then a juicy crisp dog laid on the patty (on the diagonal!) with the fixins' all layered over and around that dog. Top with the bun top, and take the biggest bite you can manage - bite along the dog, very important. Start with one of the poking-out ends. Bite along. Towards the middle, you'll have to come in from the sides, angling in towards that dog.
At my cookout, everybody gets burg-dogs. None of this I want this, or she wants that. Both for all! Everybody gets the same, and loves it: everybody gets a burg-dog. This choice/between, the false either/or of Kierkegaard...I offer my guests burg-dog, in calm affirmation of the bold refutation of that whole dilemma! "Burger vs. hot dog"? A false dichotomy, because what could be a more perfect expression of the zeitgeist of a cookout? A more perfect expression of the intellectual, ethical, social, cultural and political climate, ambience and morals of a cookout? Nothing, I think. It's the burg-dog or nothing!
For those who object to meat, well okay. That's a legitimate beef. Here is your gardenburg-tofudog, and may it strike you every bit as delicious as these true burg-dogs strike the other guests. Look at them eating their burg-dogs with such gusto! And in between bites, discussing completely unrelated matters, as is only fitting at a cookout despite the fact that the chef might feel it yet somehow a bit more fitting if the sole topic of discussion on everyone's lips were to be: "hey, these are some good burg-dogs."
The chef's got a point, maybe, but the cookout is not for the chef. It's for the guests.
Which is why I serve my guests burg-dogs.
3 comments:
This one just a joy to read. The tone is right for giggling, even, especially, at the stuff I don't understand.
The burg-dog presents an unusual dilemma for Chicagoans. The only acceptable way for us to eat a hot dog is with mustard, neon-green relish, diced onions, two tomato slices, a dill pickle spear (these three pieces I tend to eat first because my mouth is not very wide), and sport (indeterminate green hot) peppers, all topped with celery salt on a poppy seed bun.
Actually there's no dilemma at all. I would eat a burger with these toppings and definitely angle towards the dog.
Thank you! It was a joy to write.
I agree, no dilemma! Neither the dog-purist rules nor the burg-purist rules apply to the burg-dog. Because it's kind of its own thing! In its own right.
I've seen those Chi-dog fixin's on the Food Network! That relish looks alarmingly delish.
I say: always angle towards the dog. That's just strong life advice.
Man, I have to admit, I don't know where I got the "alarmingly delish" in the above. That relish - I saw some, it was SCARY.
But I think it might be one of those things where it depends on one's mood. It might look alarmingly delish in certain juxtapositions and alignments of biorhythms and astrologicals.
Is that neon relish sweet or dill?
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