Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

True Story!

And then I died!

Wow. I've been walking backwards from that moment ever since.

It's been long years walking backwards out of dotage and solitude, until finally I get to where things get a little more interesting. But I'm not sure it's worth it! I keep fighting with those I can't stand, then in the middle of the fight I really love them, and it's awful to be fighting! Then it's before the fight, and I'm not even expecting a fight - why would there even be a fight? And everything's perfect, perfect with minor bumps, perfect for a long time. Until it gets towards the beginning and it becomes a little awkward getting used to the daily realities and peculiarities, but it's totally worth it to get to the sweet crush and thrill of the very start! Oh, the starry eyes and idealized sighs! Oh, the first...everythings, leading rapidly back up in a rush to the first kisses. And then the uncomprehending surprise as she asks me out! And then, the contentment at being alone, being self-sufficient, slowly building up in the background to a feeling of mild boredom, irritation and loneliness, as the cycle unspools itself: staying home, going to work, hanging out, looking around. Then a growing depression, and sadness, and shock - and another fight!

The cycle repeats, but does not really change. Each time I'm less good at it, the end hurts more and I'm more confused at beginning. I let go of wisdom, leaving experience behind.

Soon I'm back in school again. Oh, God FUCK THAT, there is no way am I dealing with homework again - I kill myself!


Um. Time paradox!

Man, I should have seen that coming.

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