Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Another Hot Health Tip from Dr. Crazy Talk

You've got to be extremely careful dealing with ants. Your skin is not the impermeable barrier it seems! If an ant can get into your bloodstream, it will multiply out of control. If you find the sensation of an ant crawling on your skin to be unpleasant, imagine teeming rivulets of ants, crawling over your internal organs. Loose ants lodged in capillaries, their little tickling legs working to get through.

The fact is, your immune system is simply not equipped to deal with ants.

Impossible as it is to believe, there are almost no medications on the market, over-the-counter or prescription, that are truly proven or effective against ants. Ant stakes and many other conventional ant remedies are either ineffective, or contraindicated for internal use. If you think it's hard getting rid of ants in your kitchen, or in your bathroom, just wait until you have an infestation in your respiratory system, or up in your sinus cavity! Imagine streams of ants trickling from your nostrils at the most socially awkward moment possible, glistening with residual mucus.

Better to be take precaution up front, and keep your circulatory, respiratory, and other systems ant-free! The first step: eliminate the source of ants. Do your best to keep ants out of your home and work environment - don't give them the opportunity to infiltrate! If you're in an environment where you simply must be around ants, wear long sleeves and long pants, tuck your pants cuffs into your socks and pull your socks all the way up, wear tight spandex underdrawers (to seal the more delicate openings!), and be ever-vigilant for any stray ants on your face and head, who may be trying to work their way to your unprotected ears, mouth, nostrils or eyes. Keep any cuts or breaks in your skin well-covered.

There's no way to be 100% safe, where these persistent and insidious vermin are concerned. But as long as you are careful to take appropriate measures, you should be able to rest easy knowing that at least, you've done what you could to prevent ants from becoming a medical problem - for You.


Anna said...

Yeah, but I need something to eat the aphid juice off of my skin. I thought ants were good for that. Have any other suggestions?

dogimo said...

First, take the skin plus the top topmost layer of flesh off a whole, vidalia onion. You may discard the rest of the onion, or use it in one of the recipes featured on the website. Next, strip the affected area of all coverings, then rub vigorously with the onion layer - onion-side out (skin side towards your skin). Continue rubbing, as vigorously as possible, until the onion begins to fall to pieces. As soon as that starts happening - and while you continue to rub, as vigorously as possible - run as fast as you can - still rubbing - to the front porch and as soon as you reach the front porch, touch the post and yell "BASE!"

Simple as that. Your aphid juice problem should be taken care of.