Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Where Are My TREATS.

I deny myself everything I want. Where are the treats I was promised? When I was a child, I promised myself that one day, I would have an enormous house filled with all manner and varieties of treats, and an X-Wing on the lawn that could actually fly. Where are my treats? Where is my pie, made out of fluffy chocolate filling dense and darkly-sweet, with thick whipped marshmallow icing teased into stiff peaks and doused with coconut shreds? There is no pie. I get no pie. My pie is denied me.

Every damn time I food shop, I see pies and cakes and baked goods and I forego them, like some damned desert ascetic. What an ingrate! What a treacherous wretch - I have betrayed my young, idealistic self, to whom and by whom all these promises had been made about the treats I would one day be lavished with. I have none! No treats! What have I got - what is the treatiest item or combination of items currently reposing in my larder? CANNED PEACHES! Not even in light syrup - in juice! Plain yogurt. POP TARTS! WOO HOO!

Unfrosted. Cinnamon.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? When I go for groceries, I turn into some kind of self-sadist!

And the craziest part is - I don't even agonize over it! It's not like I'm lingering by the Entenmann's display, all tortured, until I make this big decision of self-sacrifice. Hell no - I just walk right past it! It's like my mind just sets into this carefree, no-nonsense mode and I breeze through the aisles getting sensible groceries and beer. I walk right past all the good stuff - not in a rigorous fit of discipline or anything, I'll spare a glance, I'll spare a thought, as if with an open mind! And it's always the same thought! The thought is: "Hey, shouldn't I pick some of that stuff up? I feel like I always end up wanting it later, and then not having any. Ahhh...never mind, look at this stuff, what do I need that crap for?"

I don't know what unkind spirit it is that possesses me whenever I've got my hands wrapped around that shopping-cart grip-bar. Don't I know I love baked goods? OF COURSE I want that crap!

Hell. It's a damn dereliction of duty is what it is. Whose responsibility is it to see that I am well-provided for vis-a-vis treats, if not mine?

Did you know plain yogurt's actually pretty damn good? If you dump some juicy canned peaches over it?


limom said...

Canned peaches are okay, but Very Cherry Fruit Cocktail rocks.

dogimo said...

Fruit cocktail is my absolute favorite kind.

Lunarchick said...

See this is one of the many reasons I MUST read your blog daily. I totally have thought through this very same puzzling behavior. I know I promised when I ran the world (read that when I was grown up) things would be different and I would have a fridge full of fun, a cupboard packed with treats, a feast of deliciousness at hand whenever I wanted. But yet nada. Closest I can get if I stare into the pantry is a bag of Cinnamon Goldfish crackers. What the heck is UP with that? Piffle.

dogimo said...

I'll trade you a pop tart for a decent handful of Goldfish! Cinnamon for cinnamon.