Hertz: We're Coming To Get You

Actually, it's Hertz: We'll Come And Get You®. Yes, with the little circle-R. Registered trademark. I saw the banner in the window and felt mildly threatened. I walked faster. I tried not to look back over my shoulder, but I did a couple times. I was in the clear, I think. But every time I hear tires turning on the wet asphalt, hissing down the long cul-de-sac towards me, I worry: is this it? Has Hertz finally Come To Get Me®?

I'm assuming this slogan is a response to the wildly popular Enterprise: We'll Pick You Up® campaign. I suppose this was the closest they could get to the same basic sentiment. I imagine myself working for some sort of trademark watchdog agency - possibly governmental, possibly just a general nonprofit consumer protection setup. Perhaps I founded it, it could be my whole vision and agency, there - later on maybe I'd be hailed as a hero, a visionary. Meanwhile, I'd fight the good fight trying to trip people up on the wrongful infringements that cause consumer confusion between similar services and ultimately, hurt us all.

This Hertz situation was potential nitroglycerine. I needed to see that it was being handled properly.

I called Hertz.

"Thank you for calling Hertz, this is Kelly," he said.

"Thanks Kelly. I need to Rent-A-Car."

"Sir, 'Rent-A-Car' is a registered trademark of Budget Rent-A-Car, however, I can rent you an automobile, or some similar conveyance." Damn, this kid was good. I'd have to spring my trump ace.

"Perfect! Let's talk details. Can you Pick Me Up®?"

"Sorry, sir, we can't Pick You Up®. 'We'll Pick You Up® is a registered trademark of Enterprise. But we can Come And Get You® - would that be acceptable?" His voice held genuine concern. I think he could tell this was an inferior sort of service to be offering.

"Come And Get Me®? I don't want you to Come And Get Me®. That sounds really hostile and threatening - why can't you just Pick Me Up®? That's happy! Peppy. Uplifting!"

"I'm sorry sir. We can't Pick You Up®. Only Enterprise can do that. We'd be happy to Come And Get You®, but we can't Pick You Up®." He was very apologetic. You could tell he sensed a lost sale, and wished he could make it right.

"Sorry for taking your time, then. I'll just have to call Enterprise."

"Okay, then. Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance. Travel safe."

I felt bad hanging up. But I didn't feel bad for long, because I then opened the sliding side door of the agency's unmarked white remote communications and covert insertion van, parked at the end of the Hertz row of parking slots. My crew and I got out and headed in to see Kelly, cameras rolling. As I entered, parting the double-doors with assured hands, Kelly looked up. There was still hurt there. Still some defeat. But Kelly was a trouper, and regained composure immediately. Here was a new opportunity!

"Hello, welcome to Hertz. My name's Kelly, how can I help you?"

"Kelly, my name's Craig Besom. I'm a field agent for the Federal Trademark Enforcement Agency. In fact, I'm not just a field agent - I'm the founder. As you know, consumer confusion is at an all-time high, with many competing goods and services attempting to muddy the waters and pass each other off as basically the same thing. Trademark is the only thing that stands between a confused consumer, and being unhappily duped into springing for an inferior off-brand service that has been confusingly marketed. We received a tip about your 'We're Going To Get You®' slogan, and I had to make the call and check out how it was being used. I'm sorry for that subterfuge. But I have to report that the manner in which you responded to the test was beyond reproach. I'm awarding you right now with the Congressional Stamp of Approval (please hold out your hand), and in my report I will be putting you in for the OFC - an Official Federal Commendation. Kelly, you did an outstanding job."

All through my revelation, she was struck silent. Her eyes first widened, then glistened with hope, then relief, then gratitude, and yes - pride. Oh yeah, Kelly's a girl. I know I originally made her a guy when I was telling it up there, but that was just so I wouldn't look like I was trying to make myself out to be the big hero in her eyes down here, come the big reveal. But the plain fact is, she really is a girl. She's always been a girl. No matter how many times I run this whole trademark-enforcement idea scenario through in my mind, Kelly's always a girl. I'm sorry for that subterfuge, I can see now there was no reason for it, really. You guys know I'm beyond reproach where all that's concerned!

But there could be no doubt as I stamped her hand (she held it out to me, I took her hand in mine - hers was warm and dry, and cool. I held it firmly but gently, and stamped her smooth skin with the dark blue ink seal of an eagle rampant over a big 'R'), her eyes shone so glowingly that there could be no doubt that I was the big hero in them. As I let go her hand, she let it slide from mine slowly, deliberately. Her eyes lowered.

"Will we see each other again, Agent Besom?" Her voice again held genuine concern, far more soft and feminine this time. She looked up again expectantly, hesitatingly.

"I'm afraid not. We can't allow even the slightest appearance of impropriety to taint the review process." I looked at her. The softness in my eyes belied my stern, fair words.

"I understand," she said. In a voice that said: "I don't understand."

"Good day, Kelly. Keep up the good work. America" - my voice caught, a husky note of pain crept in as I continued, in almost a whisper - "is proud of you." I left quickly, my crew trailing after me, clearly moved by the scene.

She didn't respond as the doors swung to behind us. I didn't look back, as our tight-knit group of crack specialists walked down the sidewalk to the waiting van. Kelly looked after me the whole way (I know because Doug had the presence of mind to tape that whole part - perfectly framed! Tasteful zoom in. I saw it later). The look in her eyes was like a knife to my soul - a sharp shard from her soul, plunged right into mine. Neither of us has ever been the same since. Not really. I've kept tabs, discreetly.

You know what? I'm glad I don't actually work for such an agency. It seems like a lot of serious demeanor and glamorous authority, when you consider it in the abstract. But once the human element is introduced, it can never be that simple. What a hard job that would be! To have to be always so disciplined and heroic all the time. To have to take a stand in the shifting sands and draw that hard, straight line.

I could do it. I've got what it takes. But I'd be carrying my heart around with me on the inside, all the time. Broken up, where no one could see it.

Oh, Kelly.

Why couldn't I say "DAMN THE RULES!" just that once? And take you in my arms - - !