So I've got a cheese cellar. I keep my cheeses down there. You can tell I'm serious about cheese. You can tell, because I say "cheeses." "I keep my cheeses down there." Emphasizing the separateness, distinctness, and multifariousness of the cheeses. Because you could have all different kinds and types of cheeses and still just say, "What's down there? Oh, you know. Cheese." That's perfectly accurate - it's all cheese. There's no point at which the addition of varieties or large volumes forces the "s" at the end. It's a deliberate choice to underscore something. When people ask me and I say, "Oh, that's my cheese cellar. That's where I keep my cheeses," - they immediately think, "ah, cheeses. The unnecessarily emphatic plural - this guy's serious about cheese."
Which I am. It's not a pose! I've got a cheese cellar.
It's all cow cheese down there. No goat cheese. I like goat cheese, but only if somebody else deals with it, and it just shows up on the plate, well-used. Besides, why is goat cheese so loddy-doddy hoity-toity trendy-dendy when goat meat is so far down the upscale that it's considered to be...how delicately do I need to put this..."the exclusive province of immigrants"? I don't know if that was delicately or not. Don't tell me "because goat meat is so pungent!" Yes, it is. So's the cheese. That's another reason not to put it in my cheese cellar. It smells ripe enough down there as it is!
Some of those cheeses down there, I honestly probably ought to be keeping in the fridge. It doesn't do them any good down there, in the dark and dry and musty cellar. But what's the point in having a cheese cellar at all, and then you keep your cheeses in the fridge? Jeez. Besides, no way will all that cheese fit in the fridge. I'd have to take all the juice, milk, eggs, meat and beer down to the cellar in that event. I might be able to get away with that in the case of the meat. Like, if I smoked it? But I daresay smoked juice, milk, or beer is not going to be a refreshing beverage option. "Smoked eggs" actually sounds pretty good! But I don't know the procedure on that. Anyway, you don't really want to keep any of that in a cheese cellar! You're going against the purpose.
I'm a little bit worried about what must be going on down there in that cheese cellar. I don't like to go down there. There's no light, so I have to bring a flashlight with me, and invariably one big hunk of cheese at random will have turned into like, a chia-pet. Big green halo of a mold afro. Mold like wheatgrass, I swear - I didn't even know mold stalks could grow that long, before I got that cheese cellar! That's why I hate to go down there. I hate to see which of my beloved cheeses has succumbed. At some point, if I wait too long, I know probably I'm going to have to go down there and just throw all that cheese out. I'm dreading it.
What am I going to do when that happens? What am I going to do with the cellar?
2 comments:
Dammit, now I feel as though I must keep up with the Jones (or the Joes, as the case may be) and get a cheese cellar. Of course, it will need to be separate from the wine cellar, perhaps separated by the root cellar. I suppose I could use the wine cellar to cure meat, since it's about the same temperature, but at what temp must one keep a cheese cellar?
Don't ask me. I don't have any climate equipment down there at all. It's pretty temperate where I'm at, though. I'd say it's a little below room temperature. Which sounds about right. It's a little below room!
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