Venture Capital Cattle Call #1: Graveyard Aquarium Zoo

Okay, act now because I don't do this often. I just had a great idea, and now I'm throwing open bids for someone to come in and "load in" the front-end money, do all the work to make it happen, and give me a big, fat, commanding cut of the profits on the back end.

The pitch? Hold onto your hats for a whole new kind of attraction. You're sitting down, right? Here it is.

Graveyard Aquarium Zoo.

That's the name. That's what it's called. Great sound to it, right? "Hey, blue for the lack of something to do? Come on down to Graveyard Aquarium Zoo!"

I'll explain the concept. It's a winner. You build this whole complex, right? It's all laid out. Ample parking in three radiating lots. The aquarium and the zoo are situated orthogonally, with a big central building a bit behind and between them, to serve as a combination funeral home and deck of reception halls - suitable for weddings, bar mitzvahs, any event! Wakes. Even prom! And the whole grounds themselves would be a very spacious, well-designed, picturesque graveyard. Totally landscaped, divided up into large, gently "themed" areas. All the monuments would be well-integrated into the whole, and designed to be "of a piece" with the architecture of the zoo and the aquarium as well. With visual variety, of course! But artistic harmony. The graveyard would be what links the whole thing together. You'd have to walk through the graveyard to get to anywhere.

I stress: this whole complex would be built to spec. No cut corners. First-class all the way. It wouldn't be a case of finding a suitable graveyard to build an aquarium and zoo on top of! So hauntings would be absolutely not a problem. Also, all the people buried there would be happy to be buried there, so that double-nixes the unquiet-spirit angle. Who wouldn't love to be buried there? What a fun-loving place to be buried!

It's true, since it would open brand-new to the public, it would be some time before the graveyard really started "filling in." So that angle is a bit of a long-term investment, for the three integral aspects of the concept to really start firing on all cylinders, in unison. But something done right is worth the wait! And as people really fall in love with the whole Aquarium-Zoo angle (both of which, I stress: top-notch), as people get hooked and begin to go there many times loyally, what could be more natural than to want to be buried there? Right at the site of so many good times.

You can just about imagine the tv commercials!

And think about it. It would be perfect for funeralgoers. You book an on-site wake, and included in the package are free passes to both the zoo and the aquarium! Sometimes you need to take a breather, take your mind off it. Look at the pretty fishes. Or go see the caged lions! Meditate on the circle of life. There, it's not so bad is it? Death isn't so bad - if you can be buried at Graveyard Aquarium Zoo.

I guess if you're just there for the Aquarium, it might be kind of a bummer to be in the middle of whole throngs of grieving people. But even that, I think, would give you a pretty big jolt of zen perspective! Right?

How could it not?