Infamy at a Pool Hall is a recurring feature, wherein I recount the various shameful and infamous statements, cracks and expostulations heard at the pool hall during our regular Thursday night sessions (plus some more ordinary, unobjectionable quips included to convey the general flavor and ambience of the event). These are remarks not overheard from several tables away, where disport the sluts and ruffians from whose lips one might expect to hear such degrading filth! No: these are remarks made by our own regular group of fellows. Rude, even salacious statements, all made by the very same reliable stalwarts in our own party! By gentlemen, who to know them in their ordinary lives one would think: these gentlemen are gentlemen! Yet at the pool hall, the baser instinct takes over. The bestial side. The best that is in us devolves, is corrupted by the odor of smoky clothes and loose morals. By the bitter, full-bodied golden demon with the foamy white head. It's disgusting, in fact - potentially disgusting, to think that there could be so slim a divide between those who seem so kind and moral and upright and civilized on the surface, and the sort of base, slavering pig brigade one would assume capable of uttering such indefensible, reprehensible comments, such jibes, japes and jeers. I for one, can barely countenance the fact that I can stand there, lending my seeming sanction to this disreputable scene. That can I lend my apparent approbation to the proceedings; that I would allow my face, right there at the table, to in some way, serve as a countenance (so to speak) to these goings-on. In some way, me posting these after-the-fact accounts could be looked at as an attempt at penance. I must confess to you, for I did not speak up and quash what I could when I had the chance.
This introductory part has really ballooned out of all proportion.
"Holy whoa. She's so hot she could boil an egg by pissing on it."
"No, we play for honor here. Honor."
"OK guys. What's your take on this. Hostess apple pie: 'artificial flavors.' Hostess cherry pie: 'natural & artificial flavors.'" "What's it mean? Are there no actual apples?" "That's my interpretation." "Is it one of those Ritz recipe deals?"
"The only thing more important than a man's honor is a woman's virtue." "Well wait - not necessarily!" "True, there can be situational factors."
"Twelve - off the eight." "NICE."
"Was this your beer? Emphasis on the past tense." "Yes it was." "Sorry."
"Six in the corner." "My dick in the corner, you mean!" "Have it your way. Two in the corner."
"Man, did you see how long her feet were? She had some long feet." "So what are you saying?" "I'm saying her feet were long." "Ah. No, I missed it."
"GREAT shot!" "Nope, it's your shot. That's not the way I called it." "Honesty: good policy, bad strategy." "I'm old fashioned."
"Ok, what's your opinion of the gross sexual attributes of that chick over there?" "The skinny one with cellulite in the short black shorts and no tits to speak of?" "No, we'll get to her after. I mean the other one."
"Guys, I'm old-fashioned. Shoot your shot first, shoot the shit after."
"I'm calling the eight in the right corner off the break." "Bold call." "The pool gods favor the bold." "I'm a pool-god agnostic."
"Is it just me, or did that guy lose an argument with his barber?" "No, he won the argument. That haircut's all spite."
"Call your ball, call the pocket, hit your ball first. Simple? Yes. Complicated? Maybe."
"I don't normally cry when I make a shot that good." "It's okay, it was emotional for us all."
"Well sorry, what can I say, I'm old-fashioned." "That's the third time you said it. Is repeating yourself old-fashioned?" "No, you're thinking of alzheimers. Similar but unrelated."
"That shot wasn't clean." "Was it dirty?" "Hey, I tried to be nice."
"From now on, I'm going to use the word 'controversial' as just a general-purpose positive adjective." "Example." "Let me think about it. I want to give you a good one."
"Guys. This is pool, here. Prioritities. Time and a place, ok?" "What are you saying?" "I'm just trying to improve the collective focus."
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