Bible Stories Updated For Modern Life: The Prodigal Son's Returns

So we see all these different paraphrases and interpretations of the bible online, like "The Message: The Bible In Contemporary Language" and the even more contemporary LOLcats Bible. What could be more of a blessing than to use God's word, paraphrased into language that people can easily understand, to teach them the lessons that will help them in their daily lives? For whatteth profiteth a Bible if noneforso can readeth the dang thing? Or even if it's in English - sometimes the wording can be so stiff and dead to modern ears. The word of God was meant to live and breathe and move within us! So I'm definitely on board with the prophets of paraphrase. Using such means, we can keep the spirit and meaning of God's word intact, while boosting its ability to reach the ears and hearts of those most in need of its saving grace and direction. Right on!

But I think we can go even further. We can do more than generalize broadly with our paraphrases. We can tailor the way we deliver the word, to better reach all sorts of specific "target audiences"! Indeed, the four evangelists did this: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each presented Jesus in a way that emphasized the appeal of Christ's message to a particular audience - whether Jews, Romans, gentiles, or those steeped in the more metaphysical traditions of Greek philospophical thought. It is right that one seeking to share the good news should make an effort to reach one's audience!

So I say it is time we brought the bible fully into step with the modern age, with a paraphrase that brings home the truths of capitalism and global economics, as revealed in the healing light of God's word.

Therefore may I please present Bible Stories Updated For Modern Life: The Prodigal Son's Returns

A man had two sons. This man was comfortably well-off but he kept his money in a mattress. He didn't believe in investing. He believed in hard work all his life, and was now pretty comfortably set, and could think of retiring, and handing over the running of his property to his sons.

The younger son said, "Father, your liquid assets are tied up in a mattress. This is not a sound financial strategy. Please allow me to manage your finances for you." The father said, "No, son. I manage my money as I see fit. I don't parley with bankers and such! When I die, you and your brother will each inherit your half." Hearing this, the younger son was troubled in mind. "What will become of my father and brother if something should befall?"

"Father," said the younger son. "Give me my share of the inheritance now." Hearing this, the father was angered. He divided his money in half, and gave his younger son half. "Go now, ye faithless lad! Cursed be the sandals of your feet and the thick twisting curls of your head of hair! From now on you shall be known as The Prodigal Son!"

"What does it mean?" asked The Prodigal Son.

"No one knows." The old man turned and left.

The Prodigal Son took the money and set off for a distant country where he knew the markets were favorable. There he multiplied his wealth many times with savvy investments and a diversified portfolio - not neglecting to secure the aid and advice of a shrewd, reputable investment counselor! The Prodigal Son lived frugally, enjoying the fruits of his prudent, well-shepherded wealth. In time he had amassed a net worth exceeding his initial investment by many multiples.

Finally one day a visitor came to the austere office The Prodigal Son used to receive potential business partners. The Prodigal Son rose from his chair in joyful recognition: "Besmas! Steward of my father's house! Though I have been cursed and exiled from the bower of my youth, still my heart leaps with joy to see you! What news of my father? But how is it with you, Besmas - why look ye so ragged and haggard? Were you waylaid on the road?"

"Nay, The Prodigal Son," said Besmas. "No brigand would waylay me, destitute as I am. Your father has been struck down by misfortune. He upset a lamp in his bed-chamber and set his whole bed ablaze. He escaped unharmed - but the taxman came the next day! And your father's entire fortune was burned up. He had been cash-rich, but with all his liquid assets destroyed he was naught but a pauper. He had nothing to give but his possessions and his equipment. The taxman took all. Now the whole house is reduced to such a state as you see before you."

The Prodigal Son was overjoyed. "But that is but a small hurt! Come Besmas, I will return with you immediately. All will be well."

So The Prodigal Son, together with a company of his trusty servants, rode with Besmas in a procession of donkeys and carts to the country of his home.

While they were still a long way off, his father saw him and ran out to meet him. Taking in the splendid procession of donkeys and laden carts, his heart was moved with remorse and shame. Dressed as he was in rags, he flung himself down and prostrated himself before his son. "Oh Prodigal Son, have pity on me for I was a fool, and have suffered for not heeding your wise financial advice! I am no longer worthy to be called your father. But come into your childhood house, and let me and your older brother be as servants to you!"

"My father," said The Prodigal Son, "What I did in asking for my half of the inheritance, I did for you out of fear for your solvency! I have minded your money just as if I had been entrusted by you with it, and have multiplied it many times. All I have is yours. Receive me into your house, and let us celebrate!"

At these last words, the newly-joyful countenance of the father fell. "But," he hesitated, "we starve on crusts, and charity leavings. I have no feast to lay before you, such as you deserve."

"Did I not say all I have is yours?" laughed The Prodigal Son. "Besmas!" he called. "Bring out the provisions! Fatted calves for everyone!"

The older brother was kind of a jerk about it at first, but when he saw all the food he was like, "Right on, little brother."

See? See? We can preserve the core message and intent of the story, while using little tweaks and paraphrases to reach other ears and teach important lessons!

God's word is versatile, peoples.