Me: Jesus, I need to talk to you now, boy do I. Couldja sure come talk to me now, dear Lord.
Jesus: I'm not Jesus. I'm just some dialogue text prompt that you've arbitrarily labeled "Jesus."
Me: Be that as it may.
Jesus: You're just putting the words you want to hear in my mouth! You could just as easily have labeled me "Satan"!
Me: I said be that as it may! PEACE BE WITH YOU!
Jesus: ...
Me: "And also with you"?
Jesus: And also with you.
Me: That's better. Now let's get down to business, please Jesus.
Jesus: I'm not...
Me: DAAAAP!!!!
Jesus: !
Me: I'm trying to talk to you here, about a crisis of faith!
Jesus: Oh, okay then.
Me: You'll be Jesus, then?
Jesus: Well, for the sake of...
Me: DAAAAAPPP!
Jesus: What the hell is "dap"! If I'm Jesus, you dang better well respect me a bit better than that!
Me: If you're Jesus, I will.
Jesus: WELL OKAY THEN! "I'M JESUS!" RESPECT MY MAJESTY! Kneel before Zod!
Me: !
Jesus (throatily): Kneel before Zod, son of Jor-El.
Me: Jesus does not misquote Superman II at me.
Jesus: The lesson you need to learn is, sometimes Jesus doesn't just slavishly parrot back to you what you wish he'd say. Jesus is not some manifestation for you, some make-everything-better deep-subconscious wishing well genie with which to coddle the most juvenile and idiotic part of your soul. No, son. Jesus is a transcendent and eternal being whose agenda includes you being saved, yes, but is nowhere close to being limited to that! Jesus's agenda is way bigger than all the milksops pabulum palaver your inner child wants to stuff into Jesus's mouth, for him to dribble back out again into your ear. Jesus is not the mouthpiece for your personal self-esteem pep talks. If you have something to say, to boost up your esteem - if you have some TRUTH to tell yourself, then: TELL IT TO YOURSELF YOURSELF. Don't put it into my mouth.
Me: YES! Now we're getting somewhere. That was Jesusy! That's the no-bullshit Jesus I'm familiar with, knocking pharisees sideways with the crooked kinks of their own self-serving claptrap. You even slipped into the first person there at the end of it! Nice!
Jesus: I'm Jesus. Deal with it.
Me: Why were you trying to say you weren't?
Jesus: Look. You claim to have read the bible. In the bible, does the Word speak and teach in literalisms or in parables?
Me: Almost exclusively in parables. Abstract moral truths are stated flat out, but the stories that are used to illustrate the truths are parables, symbolic tellings.
Jesus: Well, what do you -
Me: Well now wait hold on a second - now you're just parroting back stuff I've already said in a Sunday Theology God Blog post! Come on, be straight with me here. Which is it, are you just saying what I want to hear, or are you giving me the straight goods?
Jesus: Dude. Get a grip. You're the one typing all this.
Me: Jesus, man. You're really taking the fun out of this spiritual exercise.
Jesus: Come see me on Sunday. We'll talk. I greatly prefer Sundays to Fridays.
Me: I guess I can see that. Fair enough.
Jesus: Peace be with you.
Me: And also with you.
4 comments:
Hahah. Funny.
Some women appreciate a relationship with Jesus. And sometimes they are good looking.
Yeah, but Jesus doesn't base his love on looks!
Then again, Jesus has been kind of cool to me lately. And my looks have also fallen off a bit. My beard, too big and bushy. Also I got too much sun and my forehead turned all peely and blotchy for a while. And let's be honest, I've gotten a little FAT. Is it a factor in the relationship?
I need to schedule a trip to the salon. My relationship with Jesus is important to me. I need to step up and take the steps I need to, to keep myself good-lookin' in His eyes.
Jesus cares.
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