Q. What are your turn-ons?
Well, honesty is a big one. Honesty, a sense of responsibility, a sense of wonder. A sense of play. A sense of what's delicious. A sense of nudity.Q. What about turn-offs?
Anyone who considers herself not my equal. Or, alternately, anyone who considers himself my equal.Q. Sexually-wise, where's the best place to "put it"?
Well, I'm a vagina man myself. No offense to the other options.Q. Does that extend to oral sex as well?
Look! This is getting kind of crazy, here - are these questions all going to be sex-related or what? I'd like to keep it more "family-friendly" here if I can. Yes.Q. Fair enough. Fave children's book?
A Brief History of Time by Mr. Stephen W. HawkingQ. What are the five greatest films of all time?
Haven't been made yet.Q. An optimist, eh?
Where filmmaking's concerned.Q. Whom do you most admire?
Hm. Tough one. The President of the United States.Q. Obama?
Well, not just Obama alone, more all of them.Q. So...you admire the office itself, more than the individuals who have occupied it?
Not so much like that. More like, I conceptualize the Presidency as a sort of a Doctor Who situation, where they keep regenerating him over and over again with a different appearance and personality.Q. Hm. Wouldn't a setup like that undermine the whole purpose of the executive branch two-term limit?
Look, you don't need to make a big involved cosmology out of it, alright? It's just what came to mind - you're asking me to name off the top of my head who I most admire, - I just, suddenly that big ol' Eagle-blazoned seal filled my mind's eye and that Monty Python music struck up. It was an off-the-cuff answer, I'm a patriot what can I say. It doesn't really go that deep.Q. Fair enough! Sorry. It's kind of hard to know with you sometimes when you're serious!
We done with the questions, then? That wasn't a question.Q. Sorry! Right you are. Testy, eh?
"Testy?"Q. Yeah, "Testy?"
Not particularly, but neither do I suffer fools with any great relish.Q. "Fools"? You, uh...you do realize you're being interviewed by yourself, here. You realize that?
Look, pal. If that's the attitude you take towards the process, if that's the seriousness with which you approach this exercise, you can forget it. This interview is over. You can answer the rest of these damn inane questions yourself.Q. No wait! Come back! Are you still there?
...Q. Hello? Hello?
...Q. Are you there?
...Q. What is the square root of South Dakota?
...Q. Shoot!
...Q. Aw, man!
...Q. I think he's gone.
...Q. I had some pretty sweet questions lined up.
...Q. I think he's gone.
...Q. Damn it, I shouldn't have got off-track with that Presidency thing.
...Q. It's just, it seemed like an intriguing concept! The implications seemed like they could be fruitfully followed up.
...Q. Some people just have no damn sense of humor.
Comments
Solution? Let me interview you. I think I could finesse over your lack of humor and deal with your attitude. Like some combination of Barbara Walters, a press secretary, and a lion-tamer.
Think about it.
(You think I'm joking. I'm not. My dad would read them to me and my brother before bed.)