Santa Claus puts his powers to bullshit use if you ask me!
Look. Now, look: I know. The world needs joy. It does. The world needs childlike wonder, on Christmas morning with the soft glow of colored lights blinking, and the tinkling of sleigh bells and the sweet sounds of carolers singing. We need that, we need it in our soul - more than a lot of us are willing to admit, or credit.
But the dude works one day a year. Elves do the rest!
And every other day plus, you have these evil-doers, these terrorists, plotting their plots, and executing their executions - and Santa knows they're naughty!
He knows it.
And he knows where they live!
All it would take, once or two times a month, just to take that faster-than-lightspeed sleigh out for a spin, a couple laps around the world, stop here, stop there dropping bombs down chimneys. Bombs down chimneys! The problem would be taken care of. X off the naughty list, one by one. Take out the masterminds, the moneybags, the ones who are the problem. Who exploit the discontent of others, and channel it into their own campaign for power to drive hate. And the next month, another sweep for anyone new foolish enough to jump into the leadership breach! Reduce the frequency of trips as needed. It would not take long. It would be easy. Much less strenuous than his regular gig.
The United States can't do the job. We don't have that kind of precision equipment, but Santa does. And the use that he puts it to is absurd!!
Look, don't anybody tell me he can't get you, if there's no chimney. He's Santa Claus. The dude has ways. And laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, he'd be up in your living room with a Kalashnikov. He knows exactly where you are, and what you've been doing. He sees you when you're sleeping. A job like this, for him - child's play.
In fact, I'll be honest, I'm a bit nervous going public with this criticism on him, but dammit Santa: YOU KNOW the world needs more from you than this. Look around you! World needs help. You're in the position to do it. We don't all get to live in an elf-secured impregnable military compound, sitting on our fat ass ho-ho-ho'ing and gathering accolades while people who you could easily stop cold hold us all in thrall to fear.
Think about it, Santa. Think about what you could give the world - for New Years, maybe.
How about Peace On Earth, to them of Good Will?
2 comments:
I would be so much more into Christmas if Santa were a superhero.
I'm picturing him less as a superhero, and more as a super-spook way-above-the-NSA Red & Green Ops Operative - acting unilaterally, beholden to no one - who has taken it upon himself to take matters into his own hands because he sees no other option other than to turn from jolly old elf to grim, businesslike executioner of the naughtiest of naughtydoers on the global scene - via his own means of surveillance and covert insertion. In short: a criminal. A vigilante. A global sociopath, but in the service of what he sees as a clear-cut cause.
Can we as a society endorse his actions? Can we give our stamp and sanction to his essentially lawless crusade? No; Santa must forever be a pariah in the eyes of the responsible community of nations who strive to get by under the rule of law. If once he decides to go down this road, he knows it must be without our blessing. He doesn't ask for our blessing for what he knows needs to be done. Santa knows that if we did sanction him in this, it would be at the cost of our own souls.
He will not ask that of us. Our approval is a burden he has lifted from us. Santa has weighed his own soul against the fate of all the worlds', and decided that there was no other option but to sacrifice his.
A hero? We cannot call him so. But in my eyes, at least, he is something more tragic and more noble than that. For the burden he takes up now, knowing he must in some real sense be despised and vilified for it, I love him all the more -
- even as I must also fear him. As we must all now fear him.
Santa's gone off the reservation, y'alls.
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