So I slept pretty well-bundled-up last couple nights, because the pilot light in my heater went out (I have one of those tall, slotted metal deals that's mounted into an interior wall, so that it heats more interior areas from both exposed sides) and needless to say, I'm a wuss. I wasn't going to just get drunk as hell, slap on football paint and "tough it out" bare-chested. Well, maybe last night. But that's unrelated.
So sleeping bundled up was the backup plan. But it was getting a bit old fast, you know? Heat just feels more normal.
Anyway, I get the bottom maintenance panel off, and I figure the pilot light's out. This was after I'd ruled out my first assumption: that P.G.&E. had cut me off for non-payment of my bill. I ruled that out when, after my decisive record-checking proved to my own satisfaction that I had paid my bill, the heater still refused to work. So that's when I figured it had to be the pilot light. That, plus the lights were still on. And the gas stove.
So I got the bottom maintenance panel off, and I can't find this damn pilot light. So I watch a You-Tube video where the gas company guy comes out to relight this girl's apartment's wall heater pilot light (kind of sounds like the setup for a porn, huh?) and this dude keeps checking up there with a mirror. So...I can't see the damn hose outlet for this pilot light. I figure: go get a mirror. Go like the pros go. And while I'm out, I pick up some light bulbs, and a key-chain with a bear on it (so I don't feel like I'm wasting a trip) from the drug store where they sold me the mirror.
It's a pretty cool mirror! One side of it magnifies your face FIVE TIMES. My face looks so great in this thing.
Anyway, from the drug store I figure, "better hit the bar." I'm starved by now. I need a burger, some thick-cut fries and a couple pints or so, to fortify me for the job ahead with this damn pilot light. Maybe some coconut shrimp, too! Those look goooood. Anyway while I'm at the bar, I tell everybody there about how I'm going to go kick this pilot light's ass.
They wish me luck. Sharon made the sign of the cross a couple times (she knows I'm Catholic). I guess in her misunderstood mind, she thinks that means "good luck" or something, to a Catholic.
When I get home, needless to say it is damn COLD in the house, and that makes me FIRED UP. Because it is cold, and I am not bundling up again like some hobo tonight in my own damn house, okay? I cue up some LOUD, kick-ass tunes on my iPod and set to work! Out comes the mirror. Out comes the long lighter-wand. Is that what they call it? A lighter-wand? I love that thing. Every time I click the thumb-push-hold switch I pretend like I'm Harry Potter: "Incendiatus!" Or whatever the fuck he says, when he's relighting a pilot light with his wand. Probably doesn't even use pilot lights, the cocky bastard. Everything's magic with those guys.
So the music's ROCKING in my skull (AC/DC all the way!) and *pop* off comes the bottom maintenance panel again, and I get my damn mirror into position and I think I can see based on where the hose goes, where the pilot light must be (turns out I was right, but we don't find that out until later) and I'm trying to thrust and angle and stretch that lighter wand up there into perfect position, so I can get this thing going.
Now I should point out, this lighter wand is almost out of juice, and you really have to press that thumb-switch good and hard forward, and keep it squeezed to keep the tip lit! And in order to get gas hissing to the pilot light, you have to depress and hold this weird...twist knob button switch. You actually have to twist it first - it has 3 positions: "On." "Off." "Pilot." - guess which I went with? Right! But then it turns out it was actually supposed to be "Pilot." Anyway once I figured that out, after twisting it, you have to then push it in and keep it depressed. So you hear the hiss. Then you get the burning flame up by the nozzle so that it lights the gas. But! Then you have to keep that button pushed for three minutes or something (the guy in the video says, but I forgot) so that the element heats up. To make it work right. I figure, 3 minutes, I'll just get it lit and then keep it pushed in for a full AC/DC song. Make it pleasurable for everybody.
So I'm there with both hands pushing and squeezing, and my right hand on the gas and my left hand trying to waggle that damn wand around over the assumed-to-be-nozzle position, waiting to hear the *WHOOSH* except - I can't hear a damn thing but rock and roll at this point! - and I'm looking in the mirror, trying to see if it's lit or not...but I figure it must be, right? Because I can totally smell gas! And then I don't know if it's the gas or what, but suddenly I realize what song is playing and I start giggling uncontrollably. It's AC/DC's "Heatseeker"! Right?
Anyhow, I'm losing it right about now but I'm really trying to hold it together with both hands, thumbs squeezing and wand angling, and just giggling uncontrollably kind of balanced on the balls of my feet? I'm like, "I've got this. Heat-seeekaaaaaah!" So I kind of slip and fall backwards a bit, but the good part of that was, the lit wand kind of catches on the bottom of the middle panel, and the whole thing pops off and falls, clang and rattle to the carpet! Bwawawaang.
Turns out that whole sucker pops right off.
After that it was easy.
So sleeping bundled up was the backup plan. But it was getting a bit old fast, you know? Heat just feels more normal.
Anyway, I get the bottom maintenance panel off, and I figure the pilot light's out. This was after I'd ruled out my first assumption: that P.G.&E. had cut me off for non-payment of my bill. I ruled that out when, after my decisive record-checking proved to my own satisfaction that I had paid my bill, the heater still refused to work. So that's when I figured it had to be the pilot light. That, plus the lights were still on. And the gas stove.
So I got the bottom maintenance panel off, and I can't find this damn pilot light. So I watch a You-Tube video where the gas company guy comes out to relight this girl's apartment's wall heater pilot light (kind of sounds like the setup for a porn, huh?) and this dude keeps checking up there with a mirror. So...I can't see the damn hose outlet for this pilot light. I figure: go get a mirror. Go like the pros go. And while I'm out, I pick up some light bulbs, and a key-chain with a bear on it (so I don't feel like I'm wasting a trip) from the drug store where they sold me the mirror.
It's a pretty cool mirror! One side of it magnifies your face FIVE TIMES. My face looks so great in this thing.
Anyway, from the drug store I figure, "better hit the bar." I'm starved by now. I need a burger, some thick-cut fries and a couple pints or so, to fortify me for the job ahead with this damn pilot light. Maybe some coconut shrimp, too! Those look goooood. Anyway while I'm at the bar, I tell everybody there about how I'm going to go kick this pilot light's ass.
They wish me luck. Sharon made the sign of the cross a couple times (she knows I'm Catholic). I guess in her misunderstood mind, she thinks that means "good luck" or something, to a Catholic.
When I get home, needless to say it is damn COLD in the house, and that makes me FIRED UP. Because it is cold, and I am not bundling up again like some hobo tonight in my own damn house, okay? I cue up some LOUD, kick-ass tunes on my iPod and set to work! Out comes the mirror. Out comes the long lighter-wand. Is that what they call it? A lighter-wand? I love that thing. Every time I click the thumb-push-hold switch I pretend like I'm Harry Potter: "Incendiatus!" Or whatever the fuck he says, when he's relighting a pilot light with his wand. Probably doesn't even use pilot lights, the cocky bastard. Everything's magic with those guys.
So the music's ROCKING in my skull (AC/DC all the way!) and *pop* off comes the bottom maintenance panel again, and I get my damn mirror into position and I think I can see based on where the hose goes, where the pilot light must be (turns out I was right, but we don't find that out until later) and I'm trying to thrust and angle and stretch that lighter wand up there into perfect position, so I can get this thing going.
Now I should point out, this lighter wand is almost out of juice, and you really have to press that thumb-switch good and hard forward, and keep it squeezed to keep the tip lit! And in order to get gas hissing to the pilot light, you have to depress and hold this weird...twist knob button switch. You actually have to twist it first - it has 3 positions: "On." "Off." "Pilot." - guess which I went with? Right! But then it turns out it was actually supposed to be "Pilot." Anyway once I figured that out, after twisting it, you have to then push it in and keep it depressed. So you hear the hiss. Then you get the burning flame up by the nozzle so that it lights the gas. But! Then you have to keep that button pushed for three minutes or something (the guy in the video says, but I forgot) so that the element heats up. To make it work right. I figure, 3 minutes, I'll just get it lit and then keep it pushed in for a full AC/DC song. Make it pleasurable for everybody.
So I'm there with both hands pushing and squeezing, and my right hand on the gas and my left hand trying to waggle that damn wand around over the assumed-to-be-nozzle position, waiting to hear the *WHOOSH* except - I can't hear a damn thing but rock and roll at this point! - and I'm looking in the mirror, trying to see if it's lit or not...but I figure it must be, right? Because I can totally smell gas! And then I don't know if it's the gas or what, but suddenly I realize what song is playing and I start giggling uncontrollably. It's AC/DC's "Heatseeker"! Right?
Anyhow, I'm losing it right about now but I'm really trying to hold it together with both hands, thumbs squeezing and wand angling, and just giggling uncontrollably kind of balanced on the balls of my feet? I'm like, "I've got this. Heat-seeekaaaaaah!" So I kind of slip and fall backwards a bit, but the good part of that was, the lit wand kind of catches on the bottom of the middle panel, and the whole thing pops off and falls, clang and rattle to the carpet! Bwawawaang.
Turns out that whole sucker pops right off.
After that it was easy.
Comments
As in: "don't try this at home."
So far.