A Surprising Number of People Still Seem to Go In for The Penis Theory of Everything.

I say the inadequate penis-size displacement neurosis theory of male behavior isn't deeply ingrained at all. I say it doesn't go back into the deep roots of the culture and the species. I say it came in, very identifiably, with Sigmund Freud and his phallocentric theories of psychosexual development. Furthermore, I say that prick was overcompensating for something!

Not for his penis size, mind you. Dr. Freud was legendarily well-hung, at least if we are to credit the steamy disclosures of Jung's "Red Book." No, I'd guess that Freud was overcompensating for shortcomings in his theories. He must have been aware of that fact that he pulled all of those theories pretty much straight out of his ass.

But that's his deal. What I don't understand is how we in the modern world - long after serious psychologists have discredited and discarded the large part of Freud's wang-waggling! - can continue to embrace this superstitious-on-the-face-of-it connection between the penis, and just about every visible manifestation of the male mind's world. It cannot be true that the penis controls all of these things: cars. Wardrobe. Tools. Guns. Cigars. Real estate. Career - and on, and on! Yet still we have this obsessively penis-fixated contingent of the public that seems to think the penis size of others depends wholly upon these far-flung symbolic elements, any one of which can be pulled from the overcompensation grab-bag to make and close the giggly case.

What is the true source of this (objectively hilarious) delusion? Even if Freud kick-started it, his theories alone cannot be responsible for its continued appeal. Is it a medical condition? Does the delusion depend on factors in the person's upbringing? Or do these people simply enjoy picturing other peoples' penises so much that they will take any excuse to do so? "I'm, um, imagining what that guy's penis probably looks like. Hey, it's not my fault! He was driving a car."

Surrrrre he was.

Important point: when I disparage the idea that penis size can be determined by outwardly-visible "symbolic elements," please note that arousal is not symbolic. It is concrete. In my experience, at least.

Anyway, for the last time: my penis is not large because I drive such a crappy car. The one thing's got nothing to do with the other.