Why did you break up with me?
There's never been a question I wanted an answer to more than that one. Even if the answer is no good, I just wish I could hear you talk about it. Just talk. Talking out loud, telling anything. Telling whatever truth you have. Whatever you can spare?
How can I go forward with no idea? How am I supposed to believe anything is ever going fine? I was so fucking fooled!
I know it was not betrayal, deceit. I'm not saying you ever lied. I don't get the sense you did. I don't believe you did. I'm sure you told me it was over as soon as you were sure. Even if somehow, there was no reason to give for why. But at least you were sure. I guess it is more important to be sure, than to know why you are sure.
Doesn't it make such a difference, for there to be reason? I guess it shouldn't - it shouldn't make any difference. But I just don't understand how am I going to believe in anything else, when I believed so much in this.
Not your problem! I know.
I wish I was not so gullible. Fall for anything, every time.
I want that keen sense that other people seem to have, for when something shifts beneath the surface and your hair pricks up and you can tell that it's gone slightly wrong. And maybe you could see the countershift, how to balance it back! Or maybe you would know, there would be no way to knock the axis into skew again. How come I can't so much as get the slightest sense of any of it? Nothing wrong here! No icebergs ahead. 360 degrees of blindside.
How I am ever going to be able to believe again, in anything that feels right and seems to be going great, in anything I am SURE about, when I know damn well that I just clearly can't tell the difference? My instincts are some kind of blind, stupid...unreliable. How am I supposed to trust in what I would have said...when I used to say..."I just know it's right." I didn't just know shit! I just don't know shit.
And what good is it going to do me if I can't? If I can never believe in anything again, is that going to save me? What good is it going to do to be suspicious every moment, instead of oblivious every moment? To be doubting everything instead of completely taken in, when either way I can not tell the difference and I do not know? No idea! Can't tell! For Christ's sake! After all we gave.
How can there be no reason?
There's never been a question I wanted an answer to more than that one. Even if the answer is no good, I just wish I could hear you talk about it. Just talk. Talking out loud, telling anything. Telling whatever truth you have. Whatever you can spare?
How can I go forward with no idea? How am I supposed to believe anything is ever going fine? I was so fucking fooled!
I know it was not betrayal, deceit. I'm not saying you ever lied. I don't get the sense you did. I don't believe you did. I'm sure you told me it was over as soon as you were sure. Even if somehow, there was no reason to give for why. But at least you were sure. I guess it is more important to be sure, than to know why you are sure.
Doesn't it make such a difference, for there to be reason? I guess it shouldn't - it shouldn't make any difference. But I just don't understand how am I going to believe in anything else, when I believed so much in this.
Not your problem! I know.
I wish I was not so gullible. Fall for anything, every time.
I want that keen sense that other people seem to have, for when something shifts beneath the surface and your hair pricks up and you can tell that it's gone slightly wrong. And maybe you could see the countershift, how to balance it back! Or maybe you would know, there would be no way to knock the axis into skew again. How come I can't so much as get the slightest sense of any of it? Nothing wrong here! No icebergs ahead. 360 degrees of blindside.
How I am ever going to be able to believe again, in anything that feels right and seems to be going great, in anything I am SURE about, when I know damn well that I just clearly can't tell the difference? My instincts are some kind of blind, stupid...unreliable. How am I supposed to trust in what I would have said...when I used to say..."I just know it's right." I didn't just know shit! I just don't know shit.
And what good is it going to do me if I can't? If I can never believe in anything again, is that going to save me? What good is it going to do to be suspicious every moment, instead of oblivious every moment? To be doubting everything instead of completely taken in, when either way I can not tell the difference and I do not know? No idea! Can't tell! For Christ's sake! After all we gave.
How can there be no reason?
Comments
That's something I've dealt with a lot after dating guy after guy after guy who SEEMS great at first. I get reeled in, and just when all looks good, the mask falls. Underneath the "best behaviour" and act is typically a really psycho loser. I'm then dating a really psycho loser, and wondering what do I need to do to get back that neato guy I was JUST with. And then I start twisting myself into a pretzel, hoping there is something I can do to find that other guy again.
It's hard to imagine that I'll someday end up with someone who won't do that to me. But then I look at the wonderful friends I have, and I realise none of them did that to me. So I CAN find great people... they've just always been friends. At some point, I'll connect with that right person in the right way, and my trust will not be foolish.
:)
But what's worse, I can't for the life of me find "Dialogue for a Sob Story #1" - I think it must have morphed into Open Letter to Everyone I Ever Used To Be In Love With, As If They Were All One Person.