Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Saturday, April 07, 2012

HEY! It's Porn Right Out In The Open Again!

Porn right out in the open! Man, I feel like I haven't seen that in a liquor/convenience store in ages. I did a double-take at the vast wall of porn just to the right of the checkout. It was about ten feet wide and five feet high. I love how these non-chain stores pretty just run their business how they like! That's America, people. Speech is free, pornography no extra charge!

I mean sure, I guess you can pay for it. Another way pornography is like sex, if you're a loser. Wait, sorry - sorry. I don't mean to disparage those who pay for pornography! I mean, ultimately it's society that bears the cost if no one is paying these people right? Because they'd stop. I mean, they're not going to film themselves having sex and then put it up on the internet just for kicks! It's a business. It's an industry right? These people are not amateurs.

Anyway, in retrospect the funny thing is I don't think I've ever seen any of these magazine titles before. I mean, there weren't the ones there used to be, behind the counter at Cumberland Farms. Stacked up against the outside glass - man, I used to walk into that store so slow when I was eleven! Walk right past the near door. "No, I like to go in this other door. Reasons of feng shui."

But getting back to this rack of PORN, in this otherwise bright, clean, BRIGHT and orderly convenience liquor store! They had an island with many coffees for self-serve, various items cooked and kept hot in glassed-in lattice-racked heat lamp chambers (there must be a name for those. What's the opposite of a refrigerator? Not an oven! They're not really ovens - they just keep stuff hot, they don't cook it. Wait, is a freezer the opposite of an oven, then? By that logic? There's a false syllogism in there, someplace), microwaves and microwaveable goods, toasters and toastable goods, and this is only a cursory description of the amenities on display in this well-run store.

WHOA. THAT'S A LOT OF PORN.

It just seemed kind of funny! In a store like this. And while I can't swear that if I had more than a good, surprised and delighted glance at it, I wouldn't find the ol' suspects like Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse that you and I are familiar with - I'm not sure there were any there. This was a whole wall-sized rack of unfamiliar and highly-specific porn titles. Me and my friend who was there with me began appreciating the varieties. She asked me what kind of porno mag I'd run. I replied without hesitation! "It would be called FALSE-ADVERTISED ASIANS." There would be an asian girl on the cover, and the name of the magazine (again, "False-Advertised Asians"), but inside there would be only every other type of girls and women besides asians.

Thinking about it now, I'm not sure she wasn't fishing for a compliment, there. Asking a dude - with a pointed look! "...and what kind of porno mag would YOU run, sir?" Yet that was my answer: False-Advertised Asians. No hesitation.

You're not supposed to think a thing like that through! You can't be poking into motives in a free moment just passing the time with wild idleness and laid-back abandon. Fuck that! Then we spent the next ten minutes walking with our coffees and stuff (I got a SCONE! This was no seedy establishment, I'm telling you people! They have vegetarian pemmican - what the fuck even IS that?) while she pointed out logical problems with the name and concept, and I dealt with them in order. It's quite true that the women in the magazine would not technically be false-advertised asians. She did get me on that one.

4 comments:

Mel said...

The only name I can think of that it might have been is a bain marie ...

http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/336786499/Bain_marie_with_glass_cover.html

... to keep the food hot.

dogimo said...

That'd be a pretty weird porn mag there Mel.

Mel said...

Agreed. But then that film American Pie was a smash hit. Weird indeed.

dogimo said...

I didn't see that one. That was one of those Fight Club type movies where there's supposed to be some big "edgy" aspect to adulterating peoples' foods with bodily fluids right?

I didn't see that one either. Those types of films aren't for me!