Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Friday, May 25, 2012

1. Conjugal Visits, right? 2. Prison Work Programs. 3. Prostitution is Legal in Some Cases. The Pieces Are All In Place!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Legalized prostitution for prisons.

It would be totally opt-in, the inmate could sign on to the program or not, they'd be tested regularly just like it was Las Vegas or something (probably the first place this would fly would be in Nevada, whatever their biggest federal penitentiary is), the public would sign up (there should also be some testing there, you know? You sign on for the program or whatever, as a regular? Except that would kill the tourist business - nix it! Never mind! Just manage it however Nevada normally does for its above-board whores).

What a boon this would be to prison revenues. What with all the hard, tough-as-nails cons in there, all muscle-y and tattooed, lord knows that bad boy mystique is catnip to many, many willing ladies (and others!) who would be more than happy to line up and pay to pay a call! There could be prison online chat camera sites, affiliated with Federal Whore Prison (or whatever they call it), where your favorite convicts would scowl, preen, snarl and flirt with you, maybe show a little flesh for the right PayPal inducements, and next thing you know you find yourself contemplating a little "trip" to Nevada to see Scowly Pete the hard-core grand theft felon, who has smooth-talked his way into your heart or at least, pants - contingent on pockets attached. This idea is ready to go. It solves two things!

Of course, you'd have to have, build, or adapt a super-max security Whore Wing, complete with special custom functions and safety features, and security protocols to protect the paying public (and prevent any getaway tricks). And of course, cons would have to fit a certain profile to be eligible - and live up to customer service expectations. This service ain't free! But such practical matters are doable, and whatever infrastructure and equipment upgrades are needed, they would pay for themselves within 18 months, tops.

Get it up and running at or adjacent to an existing federal pen in Nevada, as a pilot program! It's a surefire success! And then depending on how the response goes, as the kinks work themselves out, we decide which way we want to do the nationwide roll-out:

1. ROLL IT OUT WIDE. Implement similar programs across the country! Or, maybe it would be better to:

2. CENTRALIZE. Make it a destination resort! Allow penitentiaries nationwide (state, federal, county or local) (just kidding, county and local are JAILS not penitentiaries! By which distinction you know I "know my stuff," and that my recommendations should therefore be taken seriously and looked at for immediate implement) to solicit their inmates to apply for the program, according to whatever standards. This could be a huge good-behavior incentive. Also, put some strict standards in place, because only the buffest, gruffest, hottest and sexiest convicts should be put up for grabs for the sex-hungry money-waving public's pubic amusement.

This idea is so great, I feel like it's already being worked on. Before anybody has even finished reading about it! Come on, government. I'm sure that many many of our nation's convicts are more than ready to start paying their debt to society, by sharin' and shakin' what the Good Lord gave 'em!

It's hypocritical not to do this. As a society? It's hypocritical.


dogimo said...

I can't wait to see what happens with this suggestion. I don't normally ask people to promote or campaign for me, but I'm making an exception, here. EVERY READER, PLEASE E-MAIL THE LINK TO YOUR CONGRESSPERSON OR WARDEN, OR OTHER OFFICAL WITH CLOUT. One look at this suggestion and it will become an unstoppable burden in their mind to make it happen some way, some how. A thing can only make so much sense before it explodes.

Man. This could be the answer to three different social ills, PLUS we make a KILLING! Imagine prisons running a profit. We could afford to fund other things!

Also, I know it seems I'm kind of pushing the he-whore aspect preferentially a bit, but I don't mean to once again favor men over women and reenforce patriarchal privilege. Women should ideally have the same right to be whores as men do. Wait, strike that - not "right!" That's not right. In prison, it's a privilege, not a right. But women should have the same access, or opportunity or whatever, to be a whore. Realistically though, you gotta go where the money is to prove the program works first. Prisons tend to be very gender-segregated, and what are you going to do? That's why I suggest go with he-whores for the pilot program. The supply and the demand are both just huger for that. It's the law of economies of scale, you gotta start small with the biggest chance to succeed and then "WHOA!" - the whole thing goes bonkers because you took the care to kick it off RIGHT, and by then, progress becomes unstoppable, and the women will get a chance to get theirs.

It does kind of suck, though. It does suck. I'm kind of calling myself out on this, because I'm a feminist and yet again, here's another a case where once again, women have to come in second.

Damn it.

I hate it when my hard-nosed pragmatism has to elbow aside my ideals, in order to make a better world possible for all. Compromise, to me, is abhorrent.

It's why I can't be in politics.

dogimo said...

In theory, if this works VERY WELL, then it could even be expanded to the U.S. Armed Forces. Because BULLSHIT!!!! - if convicted felons, if criminals are allowed to sell their bodies for sex as an official good-behavior perk of their incarceration, then why not afford the same privilege to the troops?

True, the logistics of those serving overseas will be tricky. But just like prisons, you start small and roll out. Start with the stateside U.S. bases, and maybe some specially converted battleships. Battleships are pretty much obsolete to the modern military picture anyway, but it's hard to a picture a better facility for this purpose than a battleship! Talk about stirring. Picture an exotic and secure floating whorehouse with HUGE TRIPLE TURRET GUNS proud and high, steaming into your harbor. Roving globally from port to port. Welcome to the USS XXX, and hello, sailor.

Mel said...

In theory this idea is great; my only concern is that the human resources just aren’t there to implement it. The prisoners I speak to on a daily basis are either not far out of puberty and by the end of the conversation get me confused with their mum and sign off with “love you too” and/or have a mental health condition and/or have drug dependency issues.

Here’s some figures innit.

From 2006: “New federal statistics reveal that the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons and jails has quadrupled over the past six years. More than half of all prison and state inmates now report mental health problems, including symptoms of major depression, mania and psychotic disorders, according to a just-released federal Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) report, Mental Health Problems of Prison and Jail Inmates”

Of the 2.3 million inmates currently serving sentences in American prisons, more than 50% have a history of substance abuse and drug addiction. More than two-thirds of Australian prisoners have used illicit drugs in the past year and most have used more than one type.

In Australia, around one in every five prisoners suffers from serious mental illness.

Then once you subtract the violent offenders, there aren’t really many convicts left who are buff, gruff, hot and sexy and up for the task.

Unless we make those personal qualities a crime in themselves.

“I hereby sentence you for one count of being too sexy for your shirt, one count of being too sexy for this party, one count of being too sexy for your car and one count of being too sexy for your cat”

*slams gavel*

That could be the answer I guess.

dogimo said...

Well, Mel, like I said: a screening process. The whole point is to have this as a carrot to wave, an incentive for good behavior. There's at least fifty to three hundred adult incarcerated felons who are in buff enough condition and not necessarily so crazy as to be off-putting (for the purposes of a brief sexual encounter) within the United States. You restrict it to the creme de la creme. There will be puh-lenty of creme to go around.

Remember, here in America we have a ton of black dudes in stir, an entire generation plus in fact of inner-city youths has been decimated, so many lost to draconian anti-drug and gang banger measures. These guys ain't mentally ill, okay? Not largely. They were born into poverty, banded together for strength and in contempt of the status quo and the pigs, and were pretty roundly mown down for it by the wide scythe of Johnny Q. Copper, and tossed into prison. And a strong contingent of shaven-head tattooed white dudes too, badass of various stripes, ex-methamphetamine supremacists, "biker" gang miscreants sent up on one bum rap or another. And by and large, these dudes ain't mentally ill either: just antisocial, at least, by the standards of polite society.

I'll concede that our prisoners could even be crazier than Australia's. You say you've got 1 in 5, mentally ill. Even if we had FOUR out of five mentally ill (which we don't), there'd still be literally thousands of specimens in their physical prime, non-crazy potential he-whores to staff a KICK ASS whorehouse.

I wish I had so much faith in humanity as to believe that most of the prison population is in there because they couldn't help it, i.e. a psychiatric medical condition. But I don't believe anywhere close to a majority of our young buff (I mean like 19-44, some chicks dig those older grim-chinned granite-chiseled dudes) inmates up here are mentally ill. I think some people, for various strong-to-them reasons of their own, oppose the way the dominant order orders you to conduct your business affairs ("the law"). And for whatever reason, not all of them work out their antagonism constructively, like you and I tend to do. A lot of them seem to feel it's their fuck-all kick-ass bad-ass outlaw duty to take up arms and oppose the supposed tyrant. And/or, maybe they're just trying to run a business via nonlawful means and get caught.

These dudes would jump through so many hoops to get into this program. Essentially, all of the bad-assest dudes would be on their BEST BEHAVIOR.

I don't want to put this indelicately, but it's partly because of homophobia. I can elaborate if I have to.

Mel said...

That’s true, you do have a larger pool of prisoners to draw upon, and goodness knows I wish this idea the very best of luck. I tells ya, the guys I speak to are by far and away the nicest clients I deal with so if there is a way this could be a win-win situation then that would be brilliant. Coz you know man, it's crazy and there's no escape, it's turned into a police state, the average cat don't even know his fate, listen to me it's better to be lying dead with honor soldier than to never be free.

dogimo said...

Mel, you're the New York Power hitter.