Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Friday, June 22, 2012

Fiction Friday: The Seventh Angel (A Fairy Tale!)

Once upon a time there was a prince named Prince Seven Angels. When he was born, seven guardian angels gathered around his crib. As each angel stepped forth, it curtsied, and bestowed a blessing. "Long life," said one. "A kingdom free from strife," said another. "A beautiful princess to be your wife," said another. "These fresh, delicious pears," said a fourth, and so on, each angel bestowing wondrous blessings, until the seventh angel stepped up saying "FUCK YOU, PRINCE! I DON'T GIVE YOU BLESSINGS FOR SHIT! YOU GET NO BLESSING FROM ME 'TIL THE DAY YOU DIE, AND THEN EVEN THEN IT WILL BE SOME BULLSHIT BLESSING, NOT A REAL GOOD ONE!" But no one was in the nursery to hear, so the story remained unwitnessed, and the infant scrunched up his troubled brow and kind of, writhed a bit, and farted. Then he smiled.

When Prince Seven Blessings was twelve years old, suddenly he remembered the whole thing. "What the fuck?" He went straight to his mother and father, the king and queen of all the realm, and asked: "Why did you not tell me?" "Because you were too young to know," said his mother. And his father replied: "Now you must go on a quest." "What the fuck was that about?" they asked each other, after he had left.

Prince Seven Angels took with him on his quest a stout bough of oak, a stout bow of yew, a cheese, a jug of magical, everlasting water (that one of the angels had given him as a blessing), and a picture of you. He knew that the only way to find the rest of his blessings was to go on a quest, and so he found them. When he came back, the seventh angel was waiting. "YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SUCH HOT SHIT?" said the angel. "WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO DESERVE THESE BLESSINGS?" "Nothing, kind sir angel! For none of us deserves any of our blessings, for we did not do anything to deserve being born. That is the moral of my story."

"HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT," said the seventh angel. Then he repented of his harsh words, and fucked the fuck off.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Okay, this is my new, favourite story. For real. And that seventh angel? He needs to be my boyfriend.

Also, "a cheese" almost made me commit a cliche and have to wear my coffee.

dogimo said...

Oh shit.

The Stranger Lido's going to be piiiiisssed...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well, Lido will always be my TOP boyfriend with the largest piece of my heart. But I shall silently admire the seventh angel as well in a more appreciative manner, than an actual romantic one. How's that?

dogimo said...

Pretty good! I'd say.

dogimo said...

Acceptable, even.

People think of "acceptable" as faint praise! Well FUCK YOU, people! Allow me to introduce please my high fucking standards.

PRAY you ever get "acceptable" at that point. Sheesh.