Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Friday, July 27, 2012

Again Here I Am To School You On Sex Education.


Let's begin with the basics. These are some of the parts of people that stick out:

1. the entire human head (this is probably a bit much, but it does stick out so I'm including it)
2. tongues
3. feet
4. toes
5. fingers
6. handses
7. the phallus
8. just the tip
9. possible to get creative?

And once you've got those options out and waggling around, here are some of the places people STICK IT:

A. mouths
B. the vagina (a wholesome and traditional favorite, yet not dowdy or dull in the slightest!)
C. the anus
D. one's hand
E. (censored for the sake of delicacy)
F. The surface of the body! Any skin-on-skin, cracks or crevices as they occur - whether integral pockets and folds in the structure, or "cracks of opportunity" formed by the pressing of limbs or other features together.

And guess what? That's pretty much the essential crux of sex! You want to put some part of yourself, or even, as much of yourself as possible, inside this other person. Or vice versa, of course! Weird, right? What a totally unnatural thing to do...! Right?

Wrong. You might say it's "weird" or it's "unnatural" - that's what you might say, except you'd be wrong. Because here's where I have to school you on the sex part: it isn't unnatural. That's the crazy thing. It's perhaps the single most natural thing ever.

As they say, there's the rub: because here you are, two people and you both want one of you to put as much of yourself as possible inside the other person. That's where the physical variables come in, of how two people interact, because sometimes it's hard! I won't lie to you. And how much of you can you actually get inside someone else? Using the ordinary various means, I mean. There are a couple (in some cases, a few) options, and for most people those work fairly well. But for some people, not very well. All I can say is, it's a complex issue! Because on the one hand, sex is pretty fucking neat if you can manage to work it work it out.

Anyway, not to insult your intelligence because this should not even need to be pointed out, but: some of the objects in the number list can't possibly be made to fit into some of the alphabetical holes. Or if they were, it could result in suffocation for one or both parties. Use common sense.

So if I've offended anyone with this, breaking it down so bold and plain, I'm sorry but this is what the people are doing. This is what the kids and the adults and the elderly are doing, and you know what we don't serve anyone or anyone's truth by lying about it, okay? Or by hiding from the truth, or being coy. Because I don't see any reason to be coy about this. People are DYING because of a lack of sex education, and in some cases, it's of boredom. Boredom death is the leading cause of death that could have been prevented by sex. Think I'm wrong? Prove it!

As a wool-dyed original Cynic of the old school, I stand eating onions with Diogenes the Dog to say: "Nothing natural is shameful." Rubbin' up on and stuffin' stuff in is a frolicksome process, one that occurs in every possible position, variation and permutation all the way down throughout nature, right down to the cellular level. Come on, you think ameobae don't get freaky invasive with pseudopodia just because their technical "reproduction" method is asexual mitosis? Fuck WRONG, dude. Those amoebea just have a different society to ours! They have sex in REVERSE. Instead of "for the two Knew Each Other, and Became One Flesh," it goes, for the one flesh became two, but lord how much more intimate THAT is? Because suddenly there's two of you. A second before, you were both literally the SAME PERSON. So naturally, they're going at it - afterplay, and there's a ton of tentacle action and pseudopodial penetrative business, workin' around, rubbin of parts up against each other's freshly-divided cellular surfaces - and if you think THAT'S perverted, there's something WRONG with you. Just because it's not in the bible doesn't mean God hates to see it! GOD LOVES ALL THAT AMOEBA BUSINESS! "Unnatural" my ass! I am so sick of these prudes all the time, and their stuffy uptight ways. Get over it: amoebas and little dudeuoles and microorganisms are having fun little microscopic orgies all over you, right now. In your FACE.

I am, and have always been, a big defender of unicellular sexual liberty. If you have a problem with it, well I say maybe you're the one with the weird hang-up.


JMH said...

This is my favorite post of yours that I've ever read. It's authoritatively simple. I had an "Oh" (though not "Oooooohhhh") moment. Why teach sex education any other way?

dogimo said...

I believe sex education should begin at the moment of conception! In fact at that point, the pupils could probably school us a thing or two. Probably know more about it than we'll ever forget.

Mel said...

Yip, apparently the pupils are the key.

dogimo said...

So I misinterpreting or are you GAY, Mel? I have a pretty good memory of your pupils.

dogimo said...

Wait, wait - no I was reading it wrong. Cancel that.

Mel said...


You know, people should just go all Corey Hart on this and start wearing sunglasses at night. Take it back to before science meddled and revealed our thoughts.

Also, this


dogimo said...

Mel, sometimes you just make me wanna not look up the word incorrigible.

But other times, I wonder why every link you put up almost is blocked in my country do to piracy reasons. Are you perchance...a piratess?

Mel said...

Descended from a long line of !

True story, I got my patch when I was three. Good times.



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