Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

TURNOFFS. Part 14.

TURN-OFFS. Here are some more of them. All this is purely my own personal! Whatever you're into is FINE BY YOU.

105. Dudes who smell like pee.

106. Big plastic garbage cans that have been knocked over - now that shit's everywhere!

107. suddenly somebody's got their SHOES OFF and it's neither the place nor the time for it

108. Lawyers who claim to "love" lawyer jokes.
108A. EXCEPTION: hot female lawyers
108B. Exception 108A in principle probably applies across the board: add the modifier "hot female" onto what was previously a turnoff, that can be a hell of a mitigating factor. Note: it won't mitigate #105, since "hot female dudes"...that in and of itself...for me at least!...naw.

109. Hot female dudes.

110. People who go on and on about the "fear of commitment."
110A. ...unless they're talking about an insane asylum! That would be legitimately scary, OK. I can see "fear of commitment," there. But otherwise, what's the fear for? Commitment, pft. No big deal. Pft.

111. People who need you to explain pop cultural catchphrases to you in great detail, even though a) you're not the one making these things up! and b) it sounds great regardless of what it means. And c) you get a sense they're just doing it for their own amusement to see what you can come up with!

112. People who have a lot of "deal-breakers"
112A. NOTE: none of these turn-offs are "deal-breakers." They're just turn-offs. A turn-off can be mitigated (see notes at #108). A dealbreaker can't. Or else if it can, don't call it a dealbreaker then! Right? I mean you can, but calling turn-offs dealbreakers is kind of a turn-off.

113. Sex with people other than me. There's no room for this in a relationship! Frankly, I'm not too crazy about it in general, but I guess if that's what people want to settle for.

114. Flowers, jewelry, or sex that is looked at as a required "apology" or "make up" step for something - or even as an obligatory special occasion thing. That's bunk, because I'm always lavishing people with stuff when they least expect! I'm not some timetable calendar watcher. Things should be more sincere than that.
114A. Of course, the other party can do as they please in this regard. I am extremely open to the idea that my turn-offs are the turn-ons of others.

115. Getting a new bill in the mail - when you just paid the old one!

116. When somebody gets a case of the ass for no reason.

117. Cars that are of some indeterminate color, like kind of a grayish mauve purple with a green sheen in the light? What the hell. I'm going colorblind looking at that thing.

118. Pasta that has been too thoroughly cooked.

119A. I know, right? But I don't like it. A turn-off.
119B. Sometimes when I'm in a rare mood, some rare roast beef may be just what I'm hankering for. But hardly ever.

120. Wives who act like you're "flirting with them." When everybody and their brother KNOWS THEY'RE MARRIED! Quit it, woman. I don't flirt with adultery.

121. Husbands who act like you're "flirting with them." Dude, no. I've very fond and full of admiration for most people, get over it. Does your wife know about you? I'm not the judge, here, but you owe it to her to be up-front about the important stuff.

122. Dogs who act like you're "flirting with them." Awww da big doguuu! Lookit dah doguuu! Good dog gets a scratch. Good dog ALWAYS GETS A SCRATCH!
122A. It's not flirting. Get over it. Good dog always gets a scratch, it's a fundamental law of the universe OK?
122B. I'll say this for cats: not one cat has ever acted like I was flirting with them. And I tell you, that hard to get routine...whoo. Turn-off.

123. Airport security videos that seem overly reassuring. I feel like they need to heighten awareness more! Don't give me a false sense of security. But while I'm at it, don't go overboard, because:

124. Strip-searches.

That'll do it for now.


Mel said...

My turn-off!

dogimo said...

126. Links that you can't click.

dogimo said...

Haha! Mel, that's funny. It's a turnoff!


That looks a little...phallic, actually. Is that a 2km wang?

Mel said...

Everything looks phallic when expressed metrically.

dogimo said...

Really? Huh. I would have thought the reverse. Which do you prefer, centimeters or inches?

Mel said...

No preference either way really.

I’ve always kinda dug “hand” as a unit of measurement.

As in the way they measure the height of horses.

dogimo said...

I feel like I just wandered into a rewrite conference for The Big Sleep.

If you've seen the two versions of that movie. GREAT MOVIE either way, by the way, but the second (the release version, not the preview version) is better.