Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

YOUR PUBLIC ARREST RECORDS - on a T-Shirt?

And rightly so! Arrest records are a matter of public record. That's to punish the guilty with what they done, and reward the inquiring minds who want to know.

But I believe they should go one step further: Law Enforcement Retail Arrest Record Memorabilia Outlets. Right downtown, right there in the community, offering YOUR mug-shot tees for sale to the public! Awesome!

Now I fought with the concept a bit, thought: should the store be located right within the precinct house? Like a museum gift shop situation? It would certainly deter shoplifters! But let's face it: most p.d.'s are in bad retail locations. I think it's best to have these retail outlets located downtown, in that cute block of stores where the shoppers looking for knick-knacks are. Or in the mall! Depending on your community.

So what they would do is: print up 20 XL shirts per offense. No more, no less. Limited edition - and all XL, because that's the most popular size. Let's not make a simple thing complicated and expensive! And after they release you, they'd be like, "OK, these shirts go on sale in the store for $20 each on Tuesday. Any shirts left unsold by the end of 30 days will be donated to the homeless."

Perfect setup, right? You'd be like "OH SHIT! What do I do - spend $400 on the most humiliating t-shirts possible? Or face the specter of everyone I know being confronted everywhere they go with homeless people wearing my mug-shot t-shirt?"

Either way it's a win-win - for the community. Not to mention for liberty, for freedom of access, and for your tax dollars. And think of all the other stuff your local Law Enforcement Retail Arrest Record Memorabilia Outlet could sell! There could be all sorts of arrest-record related merchandise, available for lookup or purchase. Mugshot coffee-cups, fingerprints pint glasses, arrest report stationery. You name it!

4 comments:

Sean Scully said...

Platonic bomb? I thought you meant that it was the kind of bomb you drop on the enemy city, it spends a lot of time hanging around there, perhaps exchanging flirty and dangerous banter with the enemy, but in the end it never goes off.

dogimo said...

WHUUUUUT

Is this comment meant for the other post? I'll just act as if.

I love that "platonic" has come to basically mean - well, what you say here. It's hilarious. I mean, it's supposed to designate some unreachable ideal! Some Victorian prudery along the way got it twisted up.

The real reason perfection cannot be achieved in reality is that reality is what exists between us, for us all to piss on, objectify, riff off of - but perfection can never be anyone's ideal but our own. The other person's perfection is never quite right.

Mel said...

So I was reading a police prosecutions brief of evidence today regarding a prisoner I was talking to.

When ever someone is charged, the police write up a form that details the particulars of the alleged crime and ends with the perpetrator's mugshot and personal identifiers; eye colour, ethnicity, complexion, height, gender, and build. This guy's build had been described as "proportionate".

For some reason I just love that.

dogimo said...

Mel, I would definitely so describe yours.

And mine, now! Back in '010 I was tending towards the moderately generous, proportionality-wise.