Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Dogimo Explains Everything.

The full, official title of this feature is: Dogimo Explains Everything WITH LIES. However, I need to leave room in the head-bar for each installment's subtitle / topic.

Hi folks! Been a while since we here at Consider Your Ass Kicked! launched a brand-new, regular recurring feature - and this one's RIPE for takeoff! Without further ado, we're all familiar with that superstition, "third person to light their smoke off the same match dies," and we've all heard how that was spread by some Ye Olde-ish English "Strike Once! John Bull, Never Fails" match company back during the old World War I days. Naturally, they didn't want twenty blokes lighting a fag off one match, the box would last forever! The financial survival of the company would plummet.

Kids, some historical context: I know the above sounds totally made-up. You have to understand, this was before paper matches - where you can barely get the second cig lit off one! And that's if you're lucky. Well, in the time of your great great grrrrrrrrrreat grandmutherfucka, MATCHES used to come in a box of wooden matches. And were very much less prone to sucking. Remember that time on a corner in Philly it took five matches to light two smokes? Somebody does. And I guarantee you I'm not the only one, because: common phenomenon in this day and age, but not back then! Because - get this - people would buy the other brand, if you made your matches all crappy like that. Nowadays, giving them out for free all the time, we have no practical recourse, no leverage to bear, no way to bring competition to heel to yield a superior product. Instead you just have to give in to the ever creeping bullshit of technological progress, and make the leap to lighters. Bottom line:

We've all heard that story. But how many of us know the kernel of truth to it? Hint: it's the part where I say "World War I." Because the other story is, the origin came out because if you hold a lit match up long enough for the third person to get a light off it, some Kraut sniper's going to put a bullet in your multi-purpose soup-bowl hat, and you won't be using it for soup anymore after that let me tell you. Because you'll be dead. In World War I, a lot of people used those domed helmets as a soup bowl too, to cut down on stuff you have to schlep around from trench to trench.

So that's the basic idea, on this feature! We all know the "third light curse" stories, but in Dogimo Explains Everything WITH LIES, I will take on - in every installment - some kind of thing or phenomenon (or both), and explain it using a story or two. Preferably one that is all cynical (like the profit-motive Match Co. tale) and one that is the grim / morbid "real" reason. Both of course will be made up! Fresh off the top of my head. I don't do research. This is A BLOG, folks.

Hell, for all I know, both those old match stories I retell above so plausible are in reality, hoax legends. Who cares, they sound great! And the world needs more explanations like these.

Well who better to provide them.

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