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(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Focus For Your Health: On Vegetables!

Too many people have been talking shit about vegetables and here I am to say, "Holy FUCK. Vegetables have been around FOREVER, people and you need to GET OVER IT or GET USED TO IT.

Many vegetables were on the scene as just regular plants! Originally, and people tried to eat them and DIED - except no, those were not vegetables, because they weren't edible yet. Eventually evolution happened, result: VEGETABLES. Vegetables and the populations that eat upon them have evolved IN TANDEM: can't have one without the other! Can't have a meat eater without some meat, and an herbivore needs FODDER to fatten up on for that to happen, ergo: VEGETABLES, including hay if you're a horse. OF COURSE HAY IS A VEGETABLE! Not for humans, maybe, but it's a fucking edible masterpiece for big mister four-hooves horsebelly! Those horses' bellies are specially adapted for the purpose, Holmes, and if you think otherwise you better not go into the horse business that's all I can say. Because you will be out of pocket on oats.

Vegetables are pretty much what I suggest criminals should be eating in prison. Why do they get meat? There's no religious reason! I feel like it should be a healthy punishment for them, to eat only vegetables and it would simplify things for the chefs, who could go to town on creative and delicious vegetarian choices, meanwhile, the warden sits in his privileged tower eating a STEAK DINNER, laughing at the cons and their healthy repast as he slowly clogs his own arteries. The price of freedom is eating whatever you want, folks - without a little restraint, let's face it, you probably will die. Have you noticed the common thread, here? VEGETABLES."

A lot of folks try to make a controversy out of it. They repeat the old saws, the old wives rumors and legendary urban tales: "Vegetables are for FOOLS," or "Oblong vegetables are sometimes inserted into the anus or vagine for sexual pleasure purposes!" I say that's DISGUSTING!! Why even bring that up? But it raises some good points: always wash your vegetables - and don't be a FOOL.

5 comments:

Kaloo said...

Some lettuce, and a slice of Tomato goes on pretty much any sandwich you can make. Pickles also fir comfortably on most. I've found myself partial to black olives of late... But I digress.

Also, best to deep fry those vegetables.

dogimo said...

Lately I've been picking up a thing of julienne cut sun-drieds and a thing of kalamata olives just about every grocery run, and running through 'em. I don't put a ton of meat or cheese, but I load up my sandwiches with extra toppings!

Mostly Out My Hat said...

Thank you for not calling them "veggies" even once.

Mostly Out My Hat said...

Thank you for not calling them "veggies" even once.

dogimo said...

@Hat: you're quite welcome!