Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Martial Arts Mastery #1: Pretty Much Sums Me Up

In this, the first of an ongoing series examining the various styles of unarmed combat which I myself have invented, and which I am therefore in some sense entitled to claim the title "Master Of," even if I might also in some sense "suck at it" (who can say the martial art was not simply designed that way?), I will be finishing this opening sentence and paragraph, and proceeding afresh in the next one.

I am as any of you may know a neighborhood-class martial artist. But did you know I also have designed and perfected a number of distinct and original martial arts styles? If you did know that, allow me to apologize for the extremely confusing beatdown from which you no doubt gleaned that knowledge. I deny all. "It all happened so fast." "I was in fear of my life." Pursue your case now and my pro bono lawyers will eat your finances alive, assuming I even give them the chance to consult on the case!

Note: it's not really a "pro bono" situation. It's more of a special payment terms thing. I get 2% 10 Net 30,000,000,000 day terms. If they ever lose a case, my ancestors may have a bill to settle with whatever their limited liability corporation evolves into. But by no means can their service be described as "pro bono"! No way. They put their top two or three highest-hourly-rate flunkies on it. They're pretty sure when the bill comes due, it will be to the other guy's account. For my part, I've always enjoyed my time around the ol' conference table bullshitting with their lawyers on this or that aspect of intellectual property rights law. It's typically a huge fucking laugh. Their accounting dep't is pissed at me for never cashing any checks, but I tell them "Suck it: send yourself to collections asshole."

So yeah, basically? The upshot? Not worth it. Don't bother.


Maybe I'll let this serve as my introductory post, to this sure-to-be-regular feature. And in that spirit, in that vein - why not a TEASER?

Coming up fast in Martial Arts Mastery #2: THE DREAD ART OF TAI CHI DO

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