Pro Tips for Amateurs #1: How to GET OFFENDED

If I get offended by anything, I rapidly put myself through THE OFFENSE-POSITIVE THOUGHT PROCESS.

It goes:

"This offends me."

"Why does this offend me?"

"Is it: A) a fact being presented? B) a distortion of fact, or other mistake - including a misconstrual of something or mischaracterization of someone? Is it C) opinion being presented? Is it simply D) an insult (whether flat-out or slipped-in!)?"

DETAILED PROCESS NOTES AFTER RANDOM PICTURE JUMP!

And now!!

As promised...!

Detailed process notes. Follow along, see if anything sounds like I'm trying to trick you. ~ Report any instances of perceived trickery in the comments queue of this very post. ~

~ DETAILED PROCESS NOTES ~

"Why does this offend me?"

"Is it: A) a fact being presented? B) a distortion of fact, or other mistake - including a misconstrual of something or mischaracterization of someone? Is it C) opinion being presented? Is it simply D) an insult (whether flat-out or slipped-in!)?"

SUBROUTINE A: if it is FACT being presented:

"Why am I offended by FACT? Chill, man.

Chill.

Argue using facts, don't argue with facts!

Perhaps offer other facts, facts that one does not disagree with, to balance out the mix. I mean - if it's a fact, why disagree at all? But if it's that the fact is something it's possible to change, perhaps then disagreement can bear fruit. Offer plans and dreams and scenarios towards retiring it as an active fact."

SUBROUTINE B: if a distortion/mistake/misconstrual/mischaracterization:

"Why am I offended by what is not true, or only partly true?

Is not the true part (if any) valuable on a what-its-worth basis, and cannot the false part be pointed up as false? If it be not demonstrably false, then in what sense do I call it false, or am I just an asshole or WHAT?

Sometimes a distortion/mistake/miscontrual/mischaracterization is mistaken (by you) as being an opinion, instead. In that case, proceed as if! Offer up one's own view, to share, perhaps as a corrective! To the degree one's own view incorporates a reality visible to others, and presentation of it is managed with a minimum of distortion and slant, others are quite likely to recognize said reality as observable, even if not as palatable. They may even concede the truth, validity or usefulness of the particular slant you've offered, on the reality you've demonstrated as not only observable, but observed."

SUBROUTINE C: if an OPINION:

"What is my fucking problem, dude.

Why am I offended by opinion?

Haven't I my own opinion on the thing being opined about, over or to/towards?

What if I don't! Then what's my problem? Getting offended at an opinion where I have no conflict, no disagreement, no opinion at all! And if I do have my own opinion - why not offer to share? Am I a FAG?!! Am I a PUSSY?!

If one is a member of a disadvantaged or persecuted minority such as fags or pussies* then one may have good reason to refrain. Otherwise - WHAT ARE YOU, A PUSSY!? Got something to say that's worth getting offended over, out with it! Or if I dismiss the opinion as being on an issue that's pointless to get into - why am I offended then!? Offended at the POINTLESS...?! What! Come on!"

*not a minority. Seriously. "NOT a minority!" is an understatement! But here we have an example of a category sometimes called a "power minority" - technically, the demographic constitutes a majority of the population sample in question. But because those who make up the demographic are disadvantaged, power-wise, due to whatever reason (but typically, blame the man), and for that reason, you end up feeling like a bitch pretty much. So the right thing to do by them is - for the people in the POWER MAJORITY, I mean (usually just me): BE KIND! Treat them like an oppressed minority.

SUBROUTINE D: WHAT IF IT'S AN INSULT!!

That's right.

The fucking KILLER of potentially-offensive scenarios. An actual insult. You do realize you were totally classing all those other ones as if insults all along, right? Insults to your intelligence! To your judgment! To your disposition! To your honesty, or your faculty of observation! Or dumbest of mother fucking all: INSULTS TO YOUR OPINION.

But no! They weren't insults at all! You were just being a fucking asshole, because HERE is where we deal with the genuine bona fides of insultry! HERE is where we take on statements blatantly intended to offend and belittle you.

Includes: a statement which may or may not have been meant as an insult. A statement offered with no intent to insult, but where the statement by its very nature is irredeemably offensive. A statement which in itself is not an insult, but behind which I construe bad or insulting motives.

"Why am I offended at someone insulting me?

Is the insult accurate? Because if an insult is simply dead wrong, a clean miss, off-target - how can it hit me to hurt me? Why am I not laughing my ass off! A CLEAN MISS! What a dork! What a bad shot. Shouldn't I kind of laugh, at least, consider laughing - and then divert to Subroutines A, B, or C as needed?

OOOO. WHAT IF THE INSULT IS ACCURATE, THOUGH? Well wait a second though. If the insult is accurate - shouldn't I take it for all it's worth? That's some fucking grist for the milk-barrel, there, I can get some spiritual and procedural nutrition out of that shit and then BELCH IT OUT in a BIG, BOOMING "THANK-YOU FOR THE IMPROVEMENT TIP" to the arrogant fuckwit dumb enough to have tried to insult me with a free life-coach lesson!

Face it. A lot of one's friends are far too nicey-nice to hit you where your actual weaknesses are. Where you most could use to improve. Enemies perform this vital service wonderfully!

Or, whether the insult is accurate or inaccurate: am I offended not by the statement or its content, but rather am offended simply because the person is 'being mean'? And if so, should I maybe consider what the opinion of a complete and obvious asshole is worth? An accurate valuation here could prevent an embarrassing overreaction, or better yet - give rise to yet another big, booming belly laugh! Folks, if an opinion is worth shit to me, or if I know that it should be worth shit to me - let's not insult my intelligence please. Am I the kind of dorp to give a worthless piece of dross great weight in my esteem?

Am I the kind of emotional mastermind whose idea of a great plan is to let a piece of opinion assessed-to-be-shit-value cause me pain, solely on the grounds that to cause me pain was what the asshole who shat it at me was trying for?"

Shit. If so - you just decided to align yourself with the asshole's goal to hurt you! Don't blame the asshole for that. You can't blame the asshole for your full and willing cooperation.

Wait technically yes: blame the asshole, but make sure you're blaming the right asshole, asshole.

~ END PROCESS NOTES ~

That's the sweet trick for how to GET OFFENDED, my little ones.

It only looks laborious.

I assure you after the umthousandteenth time (and believe me, as one of the far-too-easily-offended {oh, admit it, my belligerents, belles dames sans merci and belov'ds - come on, compared to me at least!} you'll have plenty of practice options and opportunities), the above process becomes pretty damn near automatic. You will be autocorrecting your valuations of a person's opinion faster than they can finish translating their weak, jumbled hostility into what they think is witty English.

For a pro-am like me, real-time opinion autovaluation takes about the effort it would take most people to get a joke and erupt into raucous laughter. For about the same reasons!