So yeah. Formative experiences.
I remember I was a small child. I don't think I was even in school yet, or at least if I was, I hadn't learned anything yet. And I heard this song that kept playing, and going and going and going on, "KEEP FEELING FASCINATION, PASSION BURNING, LOVE SO STRONG... KEEP FEELING FASCINATION, LOOKING, LEARNING, MOVING ON"
In hindsight, I think it's impossible not to see how strongly these sentiments formed me. Pretty much my whole deal, neatly expressed - including the tinge of horror and pointlessness to it all. Fascination, looking, learning, moving on? Why, if that's all there is too it? Am I never to be at peace?
I knew even then, listening to this endless refrain that there was something wrong with it. But it was too late. My mind had been formed.
And so I walk the world in the grip of fascination, passion, and strong love, ever wondering at what I find, trying to understand but never quite able to grasp, to hold, to own. I look, I learn - what more is left that I can I do? I have been given no more options, except to move on and repeat. Repeat the process of fascination and acquisition of sensations, experiences. A kaleidoscope of ever-changing patterns, made of the same bits and shards, rotated over and over and over. I do not own myself. The search continues.
"Fascination" is copyright 1983, written by Jo Callis and Philip Oakey. Recorded and performed by Human League.