Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Once You Start Making Up Your Own Chuck Norris Jokes, It's Hard to Stop Pt.23

Chuck Norris is immune to identity theft.

Chuck Norris doesn't look things up on the internet. He takes his best guess and representatives of Google, Wikipedia, and other internet fact repositories scramble to make it happen.

Chuck Norris can make ATM withdrawals from a pay phone.

Chuck Norris has been cast as the male lead in every major motion picture made since 1980. He just doesn't care to show up for most of them.

Homeland Security has a special watchlist just for Chuck Norris. He's the only one on it. Basically it's just to make sure nobody tries to frisk him at airports. There was an unfortunate incident.

If Chuck Norris ever decided to run for President, the other two parties would automatically rank 2nd and 3rd in the resulting 3 party system.

Chuck Norris isn't worried about any quantum physical phenomena above Planck length.

Everyone on the internet is currently being stalked by Chuck Norris.

If they had named the Titanic the Chuck Norris, the iceberg would have sunk instead. Thousands of lives would have been saved. Maybe hundreds.

Chuck Norris can beat Deep Blue at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Chuck Norris only worked up a sweat one time. He wiped his face on a towel, and when they found it later - that's the true secret origin of the so-called "Shroud of Turin."

Chuck Norris is considered to have invented sincerity.

Chuck Norris can eat a foot-long sub with a one-inch bite.

When it comes to snappy comebacks, Chuck Norris is the master of the none-liner.

Chuck Norris's name is right there on the VIP list for every exclusive event or establishment.

Before Chuck Norris decided to be a dramatic actor, he tried his hand on the stand up comedy club circuit. Whole roomsfuls of people died.

Physicists have been puzzled for years about the vast amount of invisible "dark matter" that their equations predict must exist someplace in the universe for there to be sufficient mass to account for observed gravitational effects. The key to this mystery couldn't be simpler. They're just looking in the wrong place: Chuck Norris is made entirely out of dark matter. Okay that one's just dumb.

Chuck Norris is automatically on everyone's "celebrity freebie list" if he wants to be.

When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles, it gives other people arthritis.

The global population explosion is due in large part to Chuck Norris. Don't worry. He can also solve it.

Each U.S. citizen's share of the national debt comes to about $56,525.85 except Chuck Norris, whose share holds steady at $0.00.

Chuck Norris can take a lump of coal and squeeze it into kryptonite.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to brush or floss. His teeth just keep growing in like a shark's.

It's an old science myth that "according to the laws of aerodynamics," a bee can't fly. They actually can fly.

Chuck Norris volunteered himself as a substitute for animal testing in clinical safety trials, but it was a bust. Nobody was reassured that any given treatment had been "Proven safe for Chuck Norris"

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