What I would say "anonymously"

LIES, probably. That sweet, sweet anonymity would free me up for lies. BIG ONES. Let’s find out:

• My feet - my left foot and right foot, considered together - strike me as a paradox.
• I eat whole sandwiches in half a bite.
• One time my DICK got stuck. Guess where?
• HAHAHAHA nowhere! My dick has never gotten stuck! It was a lie.
• …or was it.
• Sometimes…at the nude beach…I picture people with clothes on.
• At night the stars are all UFOs. They’ve just been lulling us into a false sense of security before they strike.
• Anytime anybody tells the fairy tale about Jack the Giant Killer or the one about the Cursed Prince Bear and the Two Sisters, I am the best listener ever. On the whole wide world, I am the greatest listener to those two stories alive.
• I have proved to my satisfaction that quantum mechanics is slightly problematic. Whaddya gonna do though? Got a better idea?
• I have a sock puppet named Soxie. Soxie’s got the blues, people.
• I am deeply conflicted over whether I prefer (or should prefer) “Gojira” over “Godzilla.”
• People confuse me with Linus. A lot. Linus from Peanuts. It’s asinine, I’m clearly Woodstock.
• I have occasionally a vast, powerfully-surging vague ambition to one day have at least one specific ambition occur to me.
• I can empty my entire bladder while chugging the entire contents of a full beer in such a way that both finish at the same time. To the drop.
• I practically invented the “mic drop.” Way before it became “a thing!” Totally by accident - people were jaw drop shocked. Well anyway, they seemed surprised and embarrassed on my behalf.
• You know what? I’ll take that on. If anybody’s going to be surprised and embarrassed? Let it be on my behalf. I take that on. I can be the sort-of ersatz Christ of surprise and embarrassment. Everybody would walk around way easier and unselfconscious about their gaffes! Meanwhile, I’d be theatrically gasping and flustering under the strain: “I can take it! Sorry!”
• I’m glamorous in ways others can’t even deal with as glamour.
• I’m pretty suspicious about vestigial racism. Point it out if you see any, would you? In me, I mean. I hate that shit.
• AC/DC was a rock band. I don’t care who doesn’t “get that.”
• The kids, you know. The youth? The children coming up? I bet some of them turn out murderers. Is there something we could do to teach them better. That’s what I keep saying. Whose part are we doing, in all of this? Society’s problems are not going away at this rate.
• Political hot-button issues like Gun Control and Abortion should have Superbowl commercials. There could be different vivid and passionate or dispassionate characters, representing all the different complex aspects. All through the game, people would perk up to see how the dialogue is playing out so far. After the game they’d look at each other and say, “This conversation needs to continue.”
• Have you ever seen a baby like the baby I am, when my baby’s baby (that’d be me) is gettin’ babied by my baby, oh yeah?
• That could be a song refrain but it needs a lot of work.
• Paranoia. There needs to be a paranoid one. Okay, what if the microwave in my home (and yours?) is controlled by the British Home Office? This is a violation of the Revolutionary War Outcome I am pretty sure - I’m a U. S. American, proud and bold. Should I worry about my mind in a case like that, or trust to the loyalty and dedication of public servants on each side of the pond to tease out the tangle? I’d love an action/suspense espionage movie resolution, but maybe-maybe-not mental illness is not a topic that can reach closure so easily.
• Santa Claus doesn’t live at the North Pole in a luxury compound, as is said. He shows up on the 23rd to take charge of a well-run operation, and gets one week’s vacation after that. Luxe and ease, for a week. He spends every other day of the year on the streets, homeless and destitute. Getting by catch as catch can. Next time you’re out and about, see if you can spot him. Whether you can or you can’t, look with kindness.

I guess that’s it.

If only I could be anonymous, that’s about what I’d say “anonymously.” Shit, I forgot the “lies” theme! Well, there’s definitely some fables and other stretchers in there.

Folks, I seriously do mean it about the kindness, though. KIND UP!

It’s the way you pretty much gotta wanna, once you try a while.