Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm Taking Commissions.

Hey there, reader. See any work here you like? Any particular posts that you think are particularly well-crafted? Well, that just means you have a discerning eye! Let's work something out. What I do for me, I can do for you.

I'm setting up this post, here, to give you an opportunity like you've never had before. Pitch me a proposal for a little work-for-hire. How can my expertise best be put to work for you? You tell me!

Simply put: simply put in a comment, giving me a topic you'd like me to write a post on (NO TOPICS REQUIRING RESEARCH). I'll write the post for you. For the first time, as an introductory offer I'll magnanimously waive your obligation to buy - if you don't like it, well OK, suits you. I'll post it right here instead. We'll just call off the whole deal, and no hard feelings. Only kindly refrain from submitting any further "commissions" though, if that's how you follow through on your end. I don't do spec work!


But, if as seems surpassingly more likely, you like what you see - well, okay then! TWENTY DOLLARS A WORD (profanities thrown in free-of-charge of course), and I will sell it to you, for your own use on your own blog. You can then post it there, with no attribution to me - just as if you wrote it yourself! I won't even blow the whistle! In fact, I'll probably post a very sincere and complimentary comment on that post, pointing out some of the finer points and subtleties which you can then thank me for.*

This is an offer you won't get elsewhere.

A couple of quick notes. Don't even ask, because I'm not interested in selling any of the posts you already see on here. Not even at a higher rate! Those are finished posts, they were done by me for me. I am interested in something you can pitch me, to be done by me for you. I'm not interested in hocking my stock of fine grape wreaths and olive branches just to burnish someone else's insufficiently gaudy laurels. Forget it!

Exception: I might be interested in selling you the entire blog. As a one-shot transaction, clean and easy and we both walk away satisfied. It would have to be one of those deals where the price is exorbitant, plus I essentially retain all rights for later use, too. Because I put a lot of ideas in here! No one else would have a right to develop my own ideas. That's asinine. That's not how it works. You'd only be buying the text itself, of all the posts (plus the sidebar poll, I'll throw that in), and what you'd be buying is the right for me to keep using it as I see fit, while you in theory and on paper "own it." I don't know, we could work out some sort of shared-custody arrangement. Just of the existing posts, mind you! I'm not letting you post new posts on here, that is right the hell out of the question. No way no how no thanks brown cow. This is my name and my work, here, at stake.

You know what, this is getting way more complicated than it needs to be, ok? All this crap...let's just stick to the original proposal, for now. That was nice and simple.

Leave me a comment.

Pitch me a topic.

And we'll see what we can work out.


Edana said...

Are you still taking commissions, over a year later? Because I want you to play with the Imp of the Perverse. It's so rare that I mention it and somebody knows what I'm talking about, nevermind is able to have a conversation with me, that I get all excited. So my commission is for you to write a post figuring out how the Imp plays into the modern world. I'm pretty sure you could do this without researching anything, and I'm not giving you a deadline. Is this okay?

dogimo said...

LOL! I need to note, I mentioned the Imp of the Perverse to my stalker and she became obsessed with referencing and mentioning it (as she became obsessed with most things I mentioned, seemingly). So do bear in mind that if I do this piece, and it ends up posted here, she's going to think it's a direct reference to her. Everything's a direct reference to her!

Um. Not to be indelicate, but did you see the part where it says in all caps, TWENTY DOLLARS A WORD?

I'm not saying we can't reach some accommodation. I'm negotiable.

Edana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Edana said...

Hey, it says twenty dollars a word for ME to OWN THE POST and post it myself with no credit to you at all! That's not what I want at all. And if you have a stalker (I totally didn't know you had a stalker) who is going to stalk you more because of that post, TOTALLY DON'T WRITE IT. I don't like stalkers and I don't like boosting their stalkiness.

dogimo said...

Oh do NOT even worry about it. I refuse to tailor my posts based on her. I mean...her whole thing is that I was doing that, I'm not going to start!

As for the fee, gotcha - we're understood! I suspected as much. I think that fat fee might be part of the reason no one else has bit on this.

Consider my ass commissioned!