You're listening to Trouble Update on WKWK, your source for do-gooders - especially those who lack clairvoyance, super-hearing, spider-sense, or other crime-finding, trouble-pinpointing powers. Looking for trouble? Rely on Trouble Update, on WKWK - your eye in the sky to confound the bad guy!
First as always, our "Little Help" feature. In the garment district, the 1st Municipal Bank hostage crisis continues. We realize this is just a bank robbery folks, just criminals and guns, but the police can't seem to roust them and there are innocent hostages in the vault. As the situation drags into its third day, this could turn ugly if no resolution is reached. This reporter asks: where are the city's heroes? Trouble is not always glamorous!
In more urgent news: Dr. Academion is on a rampage, cued by a formal announcement from Starling University that his much-bruited honorary doctorate from that university is in fact a complete fabrication. University officials have determined that no such degree was ever awarded, and claim that the controversial televised ceremony Dr. Academion cites never occurred, characterizing memories of the event as an instance of media-assisted mass hypnosis. Dr. John Fowler of Starling University has called upon Dr. Academion to begin referring to himself as either "Mr. Academion" or simply "Academion" in the future - or to enroll in a legitimate postgraduate program. In response, Academion has seized control of the school. A number of heroes have responded - more help is needed! Academion has fused most of the student body together into one colossal Co-Ed who eyewitnesses say has "gone wild," swatting airborne heroes from the sky while distracting groundbound heroes with gratuitous upskirt poses. Assuming the fight goes well, science heroes are being put on standby to help reverse the effect of Academion's dreaded Directed Mutation ray.
A mysterious UFO hovered over the city for approximately fifteen minutes last night, glowing with soft light and emitting a very pleasant low-frequency hum before it was blown out of the sky in a stunning debut by a new hero calling himself Smackwave. The full extent of his powers are unknown, but witnesses testify to the release of a titanic shockwave of concussive force. Critics have questioned whether the UFO in question may have been an illusion (possibly generated by Smackwave himself), or friendly, but this reporter has seen heroes come and go and I've a got a good feeling about this youngster. Impressive debut, newcomer!
Naked Lady snarled traffic on Broad Street for almost forty minutes this afternoon, and again on Boulevard 4 all the way across town - within 10 minutes of her disappearance from Broad Street! The timing has added fuel to the ongoing speculations that these disturbances are the work of not one Naked Lady but two, or possibly several - whether copycats or conspirators, theories differ. With facial-recognition software foiled by Naked Lady's trademark black cowl, investigators say they are minutely scrutinizing video from both events. They claim to be working on a comparison of moles.
Fury Doom Force has once again been re-certified as officially heroic, after yet another successful defection from the ranks of villainy. All heroes please be on the alert: if you see Fury Doom Force or any of its members, together or singly, do not attempt to engage them in combat. "Misunderstanding"-based hero-on-hero violence reached a 5-year peak last year, with property damage into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Authorities are making every effort to keep you informed - please do your part. The current roster for Fury Doom Force is: Commander Crush, Femme BAM!, the "trouble twins" Rough & Tumble (and their unicorn Horseplay), Mr. FIGHT! and Doctor Suave. Again, if you see these heroes, team up - don't square off.
Wrapping it up today with another entry from the "Rumor Mill of Villainy" - your peek into the juicy side of your nemeses' private lives! The Crimson Moll may be on the lookout for a new "associate." Feared underworld intimidator The Intimidator, a thorn in the collective side of our fair city's heroes for years, and the Moll's constant companion and significant criminal other since at least last Valentine's day (we all remember his spectacular "Billion Dollar Bouquet" caper!), turned up floating in the South River just adjacent to the thriving gentrified warehouse district Tuesday, his body riddled with heart-shaped bullets - a Crimson Moll trademark. The Intimidator follows Busta Crime, Gunsy-Wunsy, Lead Pipe, Mercyman, and The Big Spender in a series of deaths and disappearances of high-profile villains formerly associated with the Moll (with Mercyman the sole heroic exception to the trend). All concerned are advised to watch out.
All in all, a quiet day - with our thanks to the heroes who keep it that way! This has been Trouble Update on WKWK: your source for informed vigilantism. Thanks for listening.